


Venus

by GaiaRoseCobain



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones Rolls His Eyes a Lot, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jim, Hurt Spock, Insecure Jim Kirk, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & James T. Kirk friendship, Leonard McCoy is a mother hen, M/M, Nyota Had Enough of Spock's BS, Nyota Uhura Is a Good Bro, Oblivious James T. Kirk, Oblivious Spock, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, T'hy'la, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-02-12 04:23:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaiaRoseCobain/pseuds/GaiaRoseCobain
Summary: After the events of Star Trek: Into Darkness, Jim has to deal with his ever growing feelings for his First Officer, while Spock is trying to figure out why he always feels like he should be at his Captain's side.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first Jim/Spock fic, and I really wanted to express in it how I see those two characters whom I love dearly.  
> I had this idea almost a year ago now and I was completely lost until my wonderful Beta Hannah came to the rescue! I don't know what I'd do without her (expecially with my english, as I'm not a native speaker), so big thanks to you Hannah!  
> You can find Hannah on Tumblr here: [hannah-isshin](https://hannah-isshin.tumblr.com)  
> Hope you guys will enjoy my story!
> 
> P.S. The title comes from the song Venus by Sleeping At Last. I think that song's lyrics match wonderfully with my idea of how Spock's feelings for Jim have developed.

Jim woke suddenly, gasping for air. The moment he opened his eyes he was blinded by bright lights and it took him a moment to focus his vision and understand where he was. He searched his surroundings for a few seconds, saw the familiar scanners and devices of a medbay, wide windows illuminating light in the room. He relaxed, closing his eyes for a moment and exhaling. The seconds that preceded his awakening were pure darkness and the only thing Jim could hear were voices from his past and the overwhelming sensation of loss and fear.

Hearing a familiar voice in the room, Jim turned his head to the right.

“Oh don’t be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks,” Said McCoy hovering over Jim with a tricorder. 

Jim rolled Bones’ words around his mind for a couple moments, but he couldn’t grasp their significance. Confused, he asked, “Transfusion?”

Bones took another scan and placed it on Jim’s chest, “Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice,”, his expression was almost sorry.

Realisation came to Jim, “Khan?” he asked.

“Once we caught him I synthesized a serum from his ‘super blood’, “explained Bones, “Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?” he joked.

“No more than usual,” said Jim. Then furrowing his brows, he asked, “How’d you catch him?” 

“I didn’t,” said McCoy, sending Jim a knowing expression. 

When the doctor moved Jim saw a slender figure approaching. The man was wearing his formal uniform, his hair perfectly in order as usual, and his hands held back  
behind him. Jim smiled faintly, as much as the drug he was under allowed him to. He hadn’t hoped to see him again. As he was dying, just as he was drawing his last breath, his eyes were fixed on the Vulcan, so that he could admire him one last time. It had been the only thing that kept Jim sane during his last moments. But now he was alive and Spock was right there, coming to stand in the spot beside his bed where Bones had just been a few moments ago. 

“You saved my life,” Jim said, his voice full of emotions.

From his other side he heard McCoy’s indignant comment, “Uhura and I had something to do with it, too, you know.” 

Spock ignored the doctor and, watching Jim, he began, “You saved my life, Captain. And the lives…” but he was interrupted by Jim.

“Spock, just...Thank you,” Jim said, his lips curving lightly. 

“You are welcome, Jim,” replied Spock, and Jim could swear he saw the hint of a smile in those beautiful oh-too-human dark eyes. 

Just as he was opening his mouth to say something else, Jim yawned and McCoy obviously noticed, as he immediately put down the empty syringe he had just injected in Jim’s IV and turned towards the bed, furrowing his brows.

“As much as I would like to witness you two making moony eyes at each other for a little bit longer, Jim needs rest so leave him be, hobgoblin. I need to run a few more tests anyway,” he said, pointing at the door with a new hypo before pushing it into Jim’s neck.

“Ouch! Bones, you sadist!” Jim protested, massaging his neck, “I’m not tired anyway, let him stay. From what I gathered, I’ve already slept for two weeks.” 

“Two weeks, three days and 10.7 hours,” Spock corrected him.

“Yeah, but you were in ice for half of it and when we injected the serum it took you days to stabilize. You still need rest, kid,” he told Jim, tapping something on a PADD. Then he turned to Spock. 

“What are you doing still here?” he snarled, “I told you to get out.” 

“My apologies doctor. Jim, I am afraid I must leave. I could come back later today, if you wish,” said Spock raising an eyebrow in a questioning look. 

“Of course, Mr Spock. That would be great, thanks,” replied Jim, smiling fondly. 

Spock nodded, shooting a glance to the furrowing doctor, then turned on his heels and left.

Jim stared at the door as it swished closed and didn’t move his gaze for a few moments. He did though, when his friend shook him from his trance by snorting.

“You couldn’t be more obvious, you know that?”

Jim startled, “What?” 

“You look at him like he was a newborn star, you dummy,” said Bones, giving Jim a disgusted but playful look.

“I am not! I’m just grateful he saved me and he was here! That’s all,” babbled Jim, his cheeks turning pink.

“Yes, and I don’t like drinking,” said McCoy rolling his eyes, “Don’t be mad. I was just teasing. What you think about people is not my business, and as long as you don’t drag yourself into messy situations, I’m alright with that.”

Jim smiled at him, “Thanks Bones.” 

“You’re welcome, kid,” he said, heading for the door. 

But then he paused and turned to Jim, “You know, he visited every day. Even when you were still in that damn capsule.” 

Jim’s brows shot up, “He did?” 

“He didn’t take your death well, Jim. I don’t know if you were still with us but he cried. The damn Vulcan _cried_. And you should have seen him when he chased Khan. Uhura said that he was about to punch his head off before he suddenly stopped when she told him we needed his blood to save you,” he said sighing. 

Jim looked outside the window for a moment, “Well...I guess that’s good. I mean it proves he does care, as I tried to explain to you many times before.” 

“Yeah, I guess so...” said the doctor, “But now you really need rest, Jim. Try to sleep a few hours, okay?” 

“Yeah, mother. Go and check on your patients,” said Jim teasing.

“You are my patient, too. Don’t forget that,” said Bones as he left the room.

***

When Spock entered his temporary quarters at Starfleet H.Q. after visiting Jim, he sat on the small couch and stared at the beautiful San Francisco Bay he could see from his large windows. 

Only a few weeks before he was in the exact same spot waiting for Jim to knock on his door and go together to Admiral Pike’s office. And now the former was lying in a biobed after having died and been brought back to life, while the latter had perished. 

He thought back to when he first had met James T. Kirk. At the time the only feeling he had in his regards (not that he would admit having feelings in front of anyone) was a deep annoyance that slowly blended into hatred after what they now referred to as ‘the accident on the bridge’. 

If, one year before, someone had told him that eventually he and Jim Kirk would have been in good terms and even friends, Spock would have labeled the declaration as ‘extremely improbable and illogical’. 

But now, oh now, it was a whole other story. The moment they started running casual missions for Starfleet, Spock noticed that Kirk as Captain was not the same reckless cadet he had met and briefly worked with during the destruction of Vulcan. Captain Kirk was an extremely good ship commander, even if he still had his reckless nature. Spock even found out they worked perfectly together, almost always in sync. 

After some months they had started spending more and more time together when they were off duty, either playing chess or discussing random scientific topics. During these months Spock had grown fond of his Captain and the Enterprise’s crew, until he knew they were all he had left, his family. He had acknowledged the change in his attitude, less Vulcan than before, and with that he had also started to finally accept himself as the child of two worlds.

But it wasn’t until Jim died in that chamber within the depths of engineering that Spock noticed the real change within himself. He had felt something so deep when he saw Jim dying, as he had never felt before. It felt like somebody was squeezing his heart and lungs so hard that he found it difficult even to keep himself up on his knees. The rage and pain he felt when his planet was destroyed weren’t even close to what had overcome him after Jim’s hand had slid down the glass, lifeless. 

Maybe it was because he had never really felt at home on Vulcan, and losing his mother was something he had thought about often since he was a child. It was normal for Vulcan children to be aware from a young age that they would most likely outlive their parents, and as his mother had been human Spock knew he could lose her more easily. He was more prepared for that to happen. But Jim...Jim was his friend. They were almost the same age and even if he was just a human, Spock had never had time to ponder over the possibility of Jim dying. Jim was such a sudden presence in his life that Spock hadn’t considered thoroughly every aspect of their relationship, but had simply let himself be dragged by the hurricane that his Captain was. He hadn’t even had the opportunity to acknowledge their state of friendship until he realized Jim was dying before his eyes.

At first he had thought that Jim had saved him back on Nibiru because he simply couldn’t bring himself to let any of his crewmembers die, but as Jim brought up the topic wheezing behind that thick glass, he had known. They were no more only colleagues. They were friends and Spock knew he would have done the same. And that was what he had wanted to make sure Jim knew during his last moments. And he was glad he did.

After Jim was injected with the serum, Spock had been overwhelmed by hope for Jim to wake up. He had heard from human doctors that patients in a coma could benefit the company of someone, because sometimes they could feel and hear things. Spock at the time had filed the information as “most illogical”, but then he couldn’t help himself but hope that Jim could indeed benefit from his visits, so he visited every morning before shifts and each evening after dinner. He often sat right next to the bed and read or meditated for some time. He kept telling himself that it was for Jim’s sake, but Spock knew that the only reason for him to stay at his friend’s bedside was to keep himself sane, to cope with the almost loss. He had reached a mental status in which he simply couldn’t help himself but worry for the human. He knew Vulcans did not worry. But he had begun to question the Vulcan way months before that.  
When Spock emerged from his thoughts, he realized was sitting tensely and he noticed his hands shaking, which was not normal. He really needed to meditate on the changes within himself and his emotions. He stood up from the couch, put on some more comfortable clothes and set up his meditation mat and candles. He would visit Jim later, as he had promised.


	2. Chapter 2

It was 3 p.m. when Jim woke again, feeling definitely better. He tried to stretch his legs and arms but they felt incredibly heavy. He sighed and took a look around his room. It was a private one, probably assigned to him because he had been in a coma, because he was a captain and well, probably because his best friend had growled at anyone who tried to put him in a shared room. In other occasions Jim might have been grateful; on his ship he didn’t want his crew to see him weak or to worry too much about him. But now, he was extremely bored with no one around to talk to, and since he couldn’t move much, all he wished for was some company. After a little while a nurse came in and checked his vitals, but other than the usual small talk he didn’t talk much with her. He tried to convince her to bring him a PADD but she said they couldn’t because he would stress his brain or something. Jim didn’t believe her.

Around 16:30 he heard hushed voices in the hallway and after a few moments his door buzzed. 

“Enter,” he said, curious, and a second later the door slid open to reveal his navigator, his helmsman and his Chief Engineering Officer all standing in the doorway. 

“Keptin!” squeaked Chekov, hopping forward in excitement, “It’s so nice seeing you again! Doctor McCoy told us zat you vere probably awake! We vanted to see how are you!” 

Jim smiled, “Hey guys, it’s nice seeing you, too,” he said then he gestured to the chairs that were around a little table in the far corner of his room “Come on, take a seat and tell me what you’ve been up to.” 

It was Scotty who talked first, “Aye, not much Cap’n. They won’t lemme work on our girl. They say they need to check the warp core and make some upgrades. I dinnae trust ‘em. They assigned me to teach some advanced classes on how to work the transporter in difficult situations, instead. Ye know I dinnae like teaching Jim!” he whined.

“At least they didn’t make you test the simulators. I spent two days testing them and five recalibrating them,” sighed Sulu, “And now they want me to help evaluate the first year cadets. I hoped I could spend some time with Ben and our daughter, but apparently I’m Starfleet’s property...” he complained. 

“Whoa guys, I’m sorry. I wish I could join you though...I’ve been awake only a couple hours and I’m already bored...” sighed Jim. Then he turned to the youngest one, “And what about you Chekov? Did they assign you to some stupid task?”

The Russian blushed, “Actually I decided to use my time to attend some new classes they added since I graduated. I asked and they let me...” he admitted.

“Hey that’s great!” beamed Jim, “That would be useful for our next missions, good job Pavel” 

They talked for an hour or so, about Jim and how he was feeling, about what was going on at H.Q., and after a while they were joined by a smiling Uhura who only stayed a few minutes but promised to come back the following day. Jim was happy and entertained for the whole afternoon, but around 18:30 his friends excused themselves with promises to come back soon, and left to go and have dinner.

As Jim was left alone, the boredom returned and he was left to thinking. He didn’t even have food to distract himself as the nurse had connected an IV to his arm to feed him, because his stomach was still too sensible after the coma to keep food in. For a bit, he thought about what his friends had told him, but thinking about their visit made him remember about Spock’s promise. The Vulcan had said he would be back in the evening to stay with Jim a little while, but it was already past dinnertime. 

Probably, Jim thought, Spock wouldn’t come after all. So he sighed and tried to find something to occupy himself with.

He was idly reading a paper book that that pure soul of Chekov had kindly sneaked in for him when he heard the door buzzing. When he told whoever it was to come in he was surprised to see Spock. His heart throbbed and couldn’t help but smile broadly as he greeted him.

“Spock! I thought you wouldn’t come!” he said sitting up on his bed, trying to hide how excited he was. 

“I am sorry, Jim. My presence was required in the biology labs to supervise a number of experiments. I would have come earlier if I wasn’t needed elsewhere,” said Spock.

“Oh don’t worry! I don’t want you to neglect your duties just to visit me. Come here and sit. You must be tired!” said Jim hurriedly, “Did you already eat?”

“I did not. I came as soon as I finished my supervision,” replied Spock sitting on a chair at Jim’s bedside, the same one he passed innumerable hours sitting on while Jim was still in a coma.

“Oh damn you must be hungry! There’s a replicator over there you can use if you want to,” offered Jim.

“Thanks, Jim. But as you know Vulcans do not require as much nourishment as humans do. Furthermore, I believe that the aim of my visit was to ascertain your state of health, not mine,” said Spock raising an eyebrow.

“Oh...well...yeah about me...” mumbled Jim, “I’m fine, really. They still say I can’t move or eat, even if I want to. maybe if you could help me get off this stupid bed I could try and-” But he was interrupted.

“I shall not. If the medical staff’s orders are for you to remain in bed, you shall respect them, Jim,” Spock’s statement came out a little harsher than he wanted to.

“Oh come on Spock, I feel fine!” this time Jim was annoyed and actually glared at the Vulcan who immediately stiffened.

“James, you will _not_ neglect your health once more. I will not allow it,” said Spock raising his voice just a little, but Jim knew it wasn’t normal for him.

His eyes widened and a moment later understanding flowed over him. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know you would have cared so much...Besides, my priority was saving you guys,” he muttered sheepishly.

“You were mistaken. We are friends, Jim. I do care, and I do not wish to witness you putting your life at risk again,” Spock said firmly.

Jim was actually startled to see that Spock’s hands were shaking lightly and he was overcome by guilt. 

"Look at me, I-I'm right here," he said.

Then Jim reached out and took Spock’s right hand, placing it against his own in the Vulcan salute.. Spock shivered at the contact but Jim didn’t notice.

“See? No glass, no me dying, I’m here and I’m fine now. I promise I’ll try to stay safe, all right?” he said looking at Spock and smiling faintly. 

But Spock did not exchange the glance, as he was staring at their joined hands. He did so for a few moments then swallowed and nodded withdrawing his hand slowly. 

They passed a few moments in silence, Spock still watching down at his hands on his knees, Jim watching Spock half curiously and half expectantly. Then he broke the silence.

“Spock? Are you okay?” he asked.

“I am functional, Jim. But I believe you should rest. I will return tomorrow morning, if you wish,” said Spock finally raising his head to look into Jim’s eyes. Jim could have sworn he saw affection in them. 

"Yes, I would really love that," he said fondly. Then hearing how cheesy that sounded he cleared his voice, “I mean, if you don’t need to be anywhere else I’d be happy if you stopped by.” 

“It is settled then,” said Spock standing up, joining his hands behind his back, “I shall retire to my quarters. Goodnight, Jim.” 

Jim smiled warmly and replied, “Night, Spock. Sweet dreams,” and a moment later the Vulcan disappeared through the door. 

Jim flopped back on his bed and sighed. He was so happy that Spock had come and he actually was a bit pleased with Spock’s confession that he cared. But at the same time, it stung to know that he did not care as much as Jim did. He had now admitted twice of considering Jim a friend and that was already impressive coming from him. But it stung anyway knowing that he was Spock’s friend and nothing more.

Jim was certain the Vulcan knew about his deep feelings. He had tried to share them during his last moments, to tell Spock that the only reason why he risked the positive outcome of their mission on Nibiru was that he loved the Vulcan more than his own career. Jim loved him even more than how much he loved himself, without a doubt. It had been like that for a long time now, even if Jim couldn’t say when he fell for the Vulcan. It was just so easy, falling for him, that Jim didn't know how it was possible not to love him.

But just as he was about to tell Spock that he had gone back to save him from the volcano on Nibiru because he loved him, Spock had interrupted him. ‘Because you are my friend’ he had said. And in that moment Jim’s heart broke, but he couldn’t get bring himself to correct him. He had suspected deep inside him that the Vulcan had said that because he had understood what Jim felt and didn’t want to openly reject his Captain in such a moment. Jim had actually appreciated the gesture, even if it hurt. So he didn’t correct him. He didn’t even have the strength at that point. He just put his hand on the glass right over Spock’s and looked into the Vulcan’s deep chocolate eyes until his vision got blurry and then pitch black.

He had accepted the rejection, because he knew that he couldn’t stand a chance anyway. He was dying. But now, now it hurt even more because he would have to spend the rest of his days loving one who wouldn’t reciprocate the feeling. But if that meant he could still see him every day, then so be it.  
Spock and Uhura had broken up anyway a couple of days after their trip to Kronos, so at least he didn’t have to see them kissing again. He _could_ do it, he _could_ manage to live beside his beloved Vulcan, even if he knew they would never have _that_ relationship. He could love without being loved. 

At that thought, Jim sighed once more and turned on his side, falling into a restless sleep.

***

It took Spock 3.7 minutes to reach his quarters after visiting his Captain. He didn’t actually run but whoever saw him probably mistook him for a torpedo. When he stood before his quarters’ door he slammed his hand on the panel and stormed in.

As the door closed he leaned against it, taking long shaky breaths. When he regained a little bit of his composure, he moved into the living area and chose to sit in a chair just in front of the big windows. Once again he noticed his hands were shaking. 

When Jim had started to complain about the medical care he was receiving, something was triggered in Spock. An image of his friend gasping his last breaths had passed through his mind and he couldn’t help but bite back harshly at Jim. He knew the two situations were completely different, and that Jim would likely not die this time even if he didn’t take care of himself during the recovery. Spock knew he had overreacted. But the mere thought of Jim suffering ever again, or staying weak and fragile for more than he was expected to, set a shiver down Spock’s spine. He knew he couldn’t stand it one more time. Seeing Jim suffer once again would be just too much, and that fact itself scared him to death. 

Only a few weeks before he was absolutely conscious of the risks that their job involved and was prepared not only to accept them, but to not be affected by them, but after Jim’s death something had changed abruptly within his values and, being a logical being, it was most unsettling. He had started to care deeply and to even worry about Jim. That man that had irritated him so much back at the academy and during the destruction of Vulcan had managed to shatter all his believes and values in just a few moments. When Jim’s hand slid down the glass of the warp core chamber he had, for the second time in his life, felt helpless and minuscule in the cosmos. Vulcan children were taught from the beginning about the insignificance of their lives compared to the immensity of the universe, of life and of time, but in that moment this knowledge had been erased from Spock’s mind and then seared inside all at once.

He had just wanted to be able to touch that hand and hold it, trying at the same time to hold onto the last glimpses of life that were abandoning his friend. But he couldn’t. And that was why he had been so shocked and affected by the simple gesture of Jim’s pressing their hands together, back in medbay. It was something that both calmed him and made him panic. It brought air into his lungs but at the same time made him feel breathless. Part of it was because a gesture like that was considered extremely intimate by Vulcans, that being touch telepaths shared kisses and more with their sensitive hands. But it was also the contrast between the warmth of Jim’s hand and the coolness of his body right after he was taken off the cryofreeze pod, when the serum doctor McCoy had synthesized was just a small hope. At the time Spock had been able to brush his hand for a moment against Jim’s hand and it had been something Spock thought he would never forget, stiff and cold as it was. Back in medbay Jim had understood Spock’s fear and proved to him that he was present and alive. Spock was extremely grateful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked chapter 2! Thanks to anyone who left kudos and comments on the first one!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the update was a bit late, the last minute Christmas shopping stole a lot of my free time.  
> Thank you all again for the feedback!  
> Anyway, I hope you'll like the chapter, and I wish you all a very happy Christmas! (Or holiday season if you don't celebrate it).

The next morning it was pain that woke Jim up. When he opened his sleepy eyes he could see a blurry McCoy with a hypo in his hand. Jim grunted and massaged his neck.

“Good morning to you too, Bones,” he said glaring at his friend.

“Sorry kid, didn’t mean to wake you,” said Bones with an apologetic look, “You look terrible by the way, did you sleep well?” he added, starting to scan Jim with a tricorder to find any possible reason why he looked so ashen and tired.

“Not really...I kind of had a hard time falling asleep,” murmured Jim, looking at his hands and sighing. 

“What was wrong? Did you feel lonely or something? Didn’t Spock come here last night? I saw him leaving,” asked McCoy, confused.

“Yeah, yeah...he came...” answered Jim, still not looking at Bones, who furrowed his brows and asked, 

“What’s wrong then? Did you two argue? Or is it about the fact that you’re stuck here again? If it’s that Jim I assure you it’s a necessary thing and-”

“No it’s not that, Bones.” Jim sighed deeply,

“Come on kid I’m not a mindreader,” said McCoy, sitting on Jim’s bed and looking at him worried, “If you don’t tell me I can’t help you. And you know you can tell me anything kid, I won’t judge you,” he said with an encouraging tone.

Jim sighed once more then began, “Well, we talked, and he basically screamed at me about not taking care of myself only because I wanted to stretch my legs. At first I didn’t understand but then he basically told me that he suffered when I died and didn’t want to witness something like that again. And that was nice to hear and all but...” he paused and looked at the window, “Then he said he’s my friend. It was the second time he told me that. The first one was when I was dying and trying to tell him why I saved him back on Nibiru...” 

McCoy didn’t understand what was off.

“Well, that’s great, isn’t it? I mean, the hobgoblin has never admitted something like that before, I don’t understand-” but he stopped when his friend met his eyes for the first time, and what he saw in the deep blue irises was pure pain and sadness. And then he understood.

“Oh no. No, you didn’t,” he said shocked, “You can’t have fallen in love with him!”

But when Jim didn’t correct him and smiled sadly at him with unshed tears in his eyes, he sighed.

“Damn kid, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. Come here,” he said, drawing him into his arms and patting his back. 

Jim sank into the hug and breathed shakily for a few moments, letting only a few tears roll on his cheeks. Then he drew back and dried his eyes.

“It’s my damn luck again, Bones. My life was already pretty fucked up and, guess what, I fall in love with my extremely emotionally constipated, very-much-in-a-relationship First Officer, who will never love me back! Can’t live a single year without something kicking me in the ass...” he said after a moment. 

“But I can deal with that, I only need some time. And he’s coming back this morning so I can’t really complain, I’ll just have to be happy with only being his friend. It’s not like I’m the right person for stable relationships anyway...” he added, shrugging.

“I can tell him not to come if you want,” offered Bones, “You know, if you want a break after yesterday evening...”

But Jim immediately shook his head.

“No, no, he’s fine. He didn’t do anything. Like I said, I’ll only need some time and I’ll be okay with that,” he hurried to say.

“Okay, if you say so...” said Bones, shrugging.

“You can try and have some light breakfast by the way. The hypo I gave you before was for your stomach, if you eat something simple you should be able to keep it inside. 

How does oatmeal sound?” he said walking to the replicator. 

“Bad, but always better than the IV, I guess” sighed Jim “Can I at least have some maple syrup with it?” he asked.

“No you can’t Jimmy, too sugary. I’m sorry,” said Bones handing him a bowl “Here, eat. I’ll be back later for tests.” 

“ ‘kay…” said Jim sighing, and began to slowly eat the soggy substance.

***

Jim spent some time reading the book Chekov had brought him, while waiting for anyone to show up, either for a visit or for checkups. He knew Spock probably had something to do before showing up so he didn’t put so much hope in seeing him early that morning, but he was bored nonetheless. He was relieved when finally there was a buzz at his door. At that point he didn’t care whether it was a doctor or a random member of his crew, or even a freaking Gorn, as long as it meant not being alone for a moment. He was surprised when he saw a smiling Lieutenant Uhura entering his room. 

“Nyota! I didn’t expect seeing you today!” he beamed.

Despite the fact that he had been extremely jealous of her when he had fallen in love with Spock, he couldn’t help but love her. She was an extremely likeable person and an excellent friend. And obviously the fact that she wasn’t with Spock anymore gave her extra ‘you’re great and I love you’ points.

“It’s Uhura to you, Jim,” she said half frowning and half smirking, sitting on the chair beside Jim’s bed, “How are you feeling?” 

“Meh, I feel fine but they don’t let me do anything, the only food I had was plain oatmeal, and I’m bored to death,” he snorted.

“Oh don’t be such an infant Jim! It’s your second day awake, you slept almost all day yesterday and it’s only 10am today. You have to be patient!” she said rolling her eyes, 

“But for the boredom, I think I have something that could help you,” she turned to bring something out of her bag and then handed him a PADD, smiling.

“I asked Leonard and he said you could have it”.

Jim looked at her with wide eyes

“Oh my god I could kiss you right now! I’m halfway through the book Chekov brought me yesterday and I was already panicking about what to do after,” he said smiling broadly.

“You’re welcome,” she said chuckling “I’ve put some games in there and the exercises you should do to improve your Vulcan and Klingon, along with a couple of books. It should keep you busy for a bit.” 

“When we get back on the ship remind me to assign you a couple of days of shore leave more than the others,” he said.

“Oh you can count on that, Captain,” she assured, smirking.

They spent some time talking about everything and nothing while Jim tapped excitedly on his PADD, until another buzz interrupted their conversation. 

“Come in!” called Jim, lifting his eyes from the screen, and a moment later they were joined by their Vulcan friend.

“Spock! You came!” beamed Jim.

Spock took a step forward. He looked around the room and noticed Nyota sitting on the chair

“Captain, Nyota” he nodded to them.

“Don’t just stand there! Take a seat Spock, we were just talking about what happened in San Francisco after Admiral Marcus ship’s crash and all” said Jim waving his hand in the direction of a chair in the far corner of the room.

“Here Spock, take mine” said Uhura standing up “I’ve gotta go anyway, I’m giving a lecture about Andorian culture in 20 minutes”.

She stood and moved at Jim’s bedside and placed a quick kiss on his forehead and then turned to press one on Spock’s cheek.

“See you guys,” she said and then left but not before giving the both of them a strange knowing look. Jim didn’t know how to interpret that so he ignored it, shrugging to himself. Then he turned to Spock.

“So, how are you today?” he asked, and then immediately added “Oh and before you ask me, I feel fine, I slept and I finally ate something. Nothing to worry about.”

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow at him, then he sat on the chair and finally opened his mouth.

“I am adequate, thank you,” he said, straightening the creases that his pants had formed on his thighs.

After that Jim didn’t know what to say so he settled for, “Busy day, huh?” 

“Quite the opposite, in fact,” answered Spock, “My only occupation today was to express my opinion about an experiment upon reading the reposts the chemistry section had already wrote yesterday. It took me 1.7 hours. I have just finished writing my own report on the matter,” he explained.

“Oh that seems...cool I guess,” said Jim, not really knowing what else to say, “Are there any other experiments you’ve been working on lately?” he asked, hoping that Spock would carry on the conversation from that point.

And it actually was a good move because Spock started explaining to him everything he’d been up to while Jim was in a coma, and Jim couldn’t help but smile softly as he watched the Vulcan describing things with such passion and dedication, using the word ‘fascinating’ at least twelve times.

It was almost lunch time when Jim’s door opened without notice to show doctor McCoy. He frowned just a little at the sight of Spock but then turned to Jim.

“Hey kid, after lunch your physiotherapist will come here to start your therapy,” he said.

“Oh finally! Thanks Bones!” Jim grinned happily. 

Spock seemed to think about what the doctor had said for a moment, then stood up.

“I believe that I should leave then, Jim. I will see you later,” but he was interrupted by McCoy.

“No, you might as well stay here. She’s a little woman over 50, I think she could use a little help if Jim can’t stand on his own.” said the doctor waving a hand at Spock.

“No wait, I can manage it, I’m not a baby,” protested Jim pouting.

“Shut up, Jimmy. You haven’t moved for two weeks. You ain’t gonna jump and run like that,” said McCoy snapping his fingers to emphasize his last syllable.

“The doctor’s logic is sound, Jim. I will stay and offer my help,” said Spock looking at Jim with an expression that dared him to protest. 

Jim sighed, “Fine. But you also stay here and eat. You can’t skip your meals,” he said glaring at the Vulcan. 

“He’s damn right hobgoblin!” said McCoy, leaving.

They ate quickly, Jim a chicken soup, Spock a Ploumeek one, and waited for the physiotherapist to show up. A few minutes later the door buzzed and a small, round woman came in. 

“Good afternoon Captain Kirk. I’m doctor Garnet and I’m gonna take care of your rehabilitation,” she said smiling.

She was one of those women who instantly gave you the feeling of talking with a mother, so Jim relaxed.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, doctor,” he said smiling and shaking her hand. 

Then he pointed at Spock, “This is Commander Spock, my First Officer and really good friend. He’s here to help in case I can’t do well on my own,” he explained. 

“Oh yes, yes. Mr Spock, of course. Doctor McCoy told me before.” she said nodding “Well, Captain, first of all, I’d say we should drop the titles. I’m gonna call you James and you two are gonna call me Sandra. I want us to feel at ease with each other,” she explained.

“Okay, Sandra,” said Jim smiling.

“So, James,” she continued “Today we’re only trying to get out of bed and take a few steps, all right’?” 

When Jim nodded she went on, “I want you to sit up and move to the side of the bed. Can you try?” she asked.

“Yeah yeah I can do that,” answered Jim, eager to move again. 

He slowly shifted his lower body towards the middle of the bed. Then, holding onto the bar on the right side of his bed, began to move his torso forward until he was in a sitting position with his legs stretched in front of him. When his breathing slowed down again after the strain, Jim slowly moved his legs, helping himself by lifting them with his hands, until his feet and calves were dangling from the side of the bed. When he lifted his head he was welcomed by Spock who was standing beside his bed. 

“Can I get down now?” Jim asked.

“Oh not so quickly, sweetheart. We’re gonna need Spock for that,” she blocked him and turned to Spock, “Could you please help him, dear? Just put your arm in front of him to hold onto,” she said showing Spock how to. 

“Of course,” he said, and did as told. 

“Now James, put your hands on Spock’s arm and try to reach the ground until both of your feet are completely on the ground. Then slooowly lift your whole body off the bed. And don’t worry if you put all your weight on Spock. He’s here just for that,” she explained.

Jim looked hesitantly at Spock’s arm for a moment and then did as he was instructed. As soon as he managed to stand up, though, his legs began to shake. 

“Okay, okay James, don’t worry and don’t sit back. You’re shaking because your muscles are too weak to hold all of your weight so suddenly. Spock, could you hold him firm? Just put your hands on his sides or under his arms,” she instructed.

Spock hesitantly placed his hands on both Jim’s sides, holding him firmly but not enough to hurt his Captain. Jim caught his breath for a moment at the sensation of so much contact. He could tell he was beginning to blush a little, but at least he had stopped shaking. 

“Okay, perfect. You’re doing well James,” the doctor said with enthusiasm, “Now, Spock, help him turn in the direction of the door, please. Slowly, dear.” 

When they managed to do that the doctor continued, “Now James, I want you to take a couple of steps forward. Just keep holding on to Spock. Stop whenever you’re tired okay?” 

“Okay,” he answered, and then started to make baby steps keeping his hands on Spock’s shoulders and looking down.

He hadn’t thought it would have been hard, but it turned out it was, and very much so. He couldn’t feel his muscles and every step seemed like a run. He had only made a few when his knees started wobbling again. But he was determined to keep going even when the doctor told him again to stop if he was tired, he pushed himself and went on. He took a step, then another trembling one but at the third one his knees failed and he crashed into Spock’s chest, panting. The Vulcan immediately supported him with strong arms.

“Jim, I believe you should have stopped approximately 3.2 steps ago,” he said, speaking for the second time since the doctor had come in. 

“Yes, he’s right James. You pushed too hard,” said Sandra, “But that’s all right, we’ll try again tomorrow morning. Now Spock please, get him back into bed. And don’t you try to argue, James. Just let him carry you,” she added, pointing her finger at Jim when he tried to protest. 

Jim sighed, and let Spock pick him up bridal style and placing him back on the bed. While he did that, he leaned into the touch just a bit, and at the same time he tried to hide his embarrassment.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, then. We’ll work on your arms too next time. Goodbye James, Spock,” said the doctor when she was satisfied with Jim being in bed. 

They said their goodbyes as well and then Jim sighed, frowning, “I’m sorry you had to be here Spock. You shouldn’t be stuck here to help me,” he said, lowering his head  
until his chin touched his chest. 

“Would I have not wanted to help you, I would have convinced doctor McCoy to find someone else to assist the doctor in the process. I am positive this medical facility has trained personnel for this situations. I stayed merely because I wished to help you,” said Spock looking into Jim’s eyes. 

Jim blinked a couple of times in both surprise and pleasure to hear such an affection in the Vulcan’s voice, “Well thank you Spock,” he finally said swallowing, “It means a lot,” and he would have added ‘more than you think it does’, if it wouldn’t have been too risky. 

Spock looked again into his eyes, and with what Jim would have called a little smile, he said, “You are welcome, Jim.”


	4. Chapter 4

A couple of weeks later (and daily, tiring physiotherapy sessions), Jim had recuperated enough strength to walk around his room without help, even if he was still pretty weak and slow. Now he could finally drag himself to the bathroom without calling a nurse or keeping himself up by gripping chairs or keeping a hand on the wall. Needless to say that the first days were difficult for him, as used as he was to be completely independent and giving he was a proud person from the start. But rehabilitation little by little gave its results, so Jim was starting to feel better not only physically, but emotionally as well.

His friends were helping, too. The bridge crew visited whenever their schedule allowed it, Bones was running tests on him basically every hour to monitor the effects of Khan’s blood, and Spock was with Jim every morning for the therapy and joined him for almost every meal. Jim had tried several times to tell Spock he wasn’t obliged to attend every session, but Spock had replied that ‘It is most illogical to refuse one’s assistance when it is offered and needed’, so he just stopped and resigned himself. He was actually extremely happy that Spock spent so much of his free time with him, even if not in ways that Jim wished. But he knew his wishes were just wishes, so he was pretty happy as it was. 

Jim was playing some stupid game on his PADD when McCoy entered the room.

“Hey Jimmy, just a hypo for your muscular reinforcement,” he said, then quickly jabbed Jim’s neck with said hypo before he could protest. 

“Ouch, Bones will you stop with those?” whined Jim, rubbing his neck. 

“Nope. Not until you’re back in full health,” said Bones, poking Jim in the chest with a finger, “Speaking of that, you should go around a bit. You know, just in the halls. Otherwise, you’ll never get those muscles back in shape if you just walk around here,” he suggested.

Jim grimaced and shrugged, “I don’t know Bones...I can’t walk too much before I tire and I don’t really feel like using stretchers or one of those walkers that old people use. I’d look ridiculous,” he said snorting.

“Well, I can call some orderly who could keep an eye on you. It’s their job,” proposed Bones, “Besides, you should really get out of here. Sure, you have these nice windows but it’s still depressing. I assure you the rest of the hospital is pretty nice, there’s a garden if you want to get some fresh air”.

Jim looked at the window for a few moments, pondering the different options then turned back to the doctor, “Okay, I guess there are no more reasons to say no,” Jim agreed, sighing, “But please don’t get someone who’ll fuss over me, asking me if I need help every two minutes. I’m still a starship Captain, not a baby, for God’s sake!” 

“Yeah, yeah don’t worry,” said McCoy, rolling his eyes while exiting the room.

A few minutes later McCoy was back with an orderly who he introduced as Sam, a dark-skinned man probably in his 30s who immediately made Jim feel at ease with his calming smile. 

While they walked through the innumerable halls of the Starfleet HQ Hospital, they talked about everything from movies to books to music. Jim found out that Sam once was in Starfleet as a special unit security guard but left after one of his partners died in an accident in which he was involved himself. He decided that risking his life and scaring his family to death every day wasn’t worth it, so he attended a paramedic class and here he was.

Jim didn’t talk too much though, actually. He pretty much just listened to Sam talking and concentrated on spending all his energy not to trip over his own feet and possibly not tire too quickly. He really didn’t want to have to go back to his room in a wheelchair or something. They were just getting out of the elevator that brought them to the ground floor, near the garden, when Jim caught sight of a familiar figure.

“Spock!” he called beaming. 

When Spock noticed them he approached and when he was close enough he greeted them, “Captain,” he said nodding to Jim. Then he turned slightly to look at Sam with a severe look. “I believe we have not yet encountered, Mr...” said Spock coldly. 

Sam held his hand in the Vulcan salute, “Wilson, Sam Wilson. I’m an overly, I was helping the Captain to walk around,” he said.

Spock nodded, “I am Commander Spock, the Captain’s First Officer,” he explained, giving him another cold look before turning back to Jim who was staring at him with a mixture of confusion and amusement, “I assume you were to continue your walk, Captain?” he asked.

“Yeah yeah, we were going out in the garden. You know, to get some fresh air since I’ve been inside for almost a month and a half now...” said Jim.

“Then I shall accompany you, as I had come with the purpose of visiting you,” said Spock, then again turned to Sam. “Thank you, Mr. Wilson, your assistance is no longer required. I shall accompany the Captain back to his room later,” he said with a tone that dared him to differ.

Sam looked at Spock, surprised by his response and then nodded, “Okay...Captain, it’s been a pleasure. Don’t hesitate to ask of me if you still need help,” he said slipping his arm away from Jim’s hand to let the Captain lean onto Spock instead. Then he turned and nodded to Spock “Commander...” and a moment later he was back on the elevator that brought him down just minutes before.

“I think you scared him a bit, you know. You basically kicked him away,” said Jim chuckling, gripping Spock’s forearm to steady himself.

Spock looked at him raising an eyebrow, “I did not do such thing. I merely suggested he could dedicate his time to-” But he was interrupted by Jim.

“Spock, I was joking,” he said half laughing, smacking Spock’s bicep with his free hand. Spock looked at Jim’s hand, then at Jim’s face and nodded 

“Very well. Shall we continue your walk?” he suggested.

Then he turned slightly towards the big windows on their right that conducted to the big hospital’s garden 

“The nearest bench in the garden seems to be unoccupied. We could sit there so that you could rest,” he added.

“Okay, let’s go,” said Jim, and tugging Spock forward he started to slowly walk towards the glass doors. 

***

They sat on the bench in silence for a couple of minutes before Jim started shifting nervously. He was not used to be in someone’s close presence and not talking with them, and even if Spock and him had started spending a lot of time together before Khan’s incident, often playing chess, he still was a bit uncomfortable when they were not talking, with nothing to occupy them. He glanced around a bit, thinking about what to say. Spock seemed perfectly at ease and was staring at the sunset in the distance, seeming pensive. Not knowing what else to say, Jim settled for:

“So...what if we played chess again sometimes? I bet they have a chessboard here somewhere...” he suggested looking sideways at Spock.

The Vulcan averted his eyes from the horizon and looked at him.

“I am amenable to do so whenever you desire it, Jim. I have not played chess since before Khan’s attack. I did not manage to find anyone who plays the game besides you,” he answered with what looked like a bit of excitement in his eyes.

“Great! You stayin’ for dinner?” asked Jim, hopeful.

“Affirmative.” 

“Well, then we could play afterwards if you want,” suggested Jim smiling.

“Of course,” answered Spock, nodding. 

Jim smiled and clapped him on the arm “That’s settled then!”.

After that, silence descended again between them and Jim was actually grateful when he heard himself being called. He turned in the direction of the garden entrance.

“Carol!” he said smiling to the approaching Lieutenant Marcus, “What are you doing here?” he asked, frowning in confusion.

“Oh, I was here for a checkup, you know, for my knee. I was leaving but then I saw you and Mr. Spock through the glass windows and I thought I’d say ‘hi’,” she explained, smiling.

Then she turned towards Spock and much more seriously greeted him, “Good evening Commander”. 

He stared at her sternly, his once relaxed back snapping in a straight position, then answered with a cool tone, “Good evening Lieutenant”. 

She gave him a curt nod then turned back to Jim, “So, how are you? I tried to ask around but nobody told me anything besides you woke up a week ago,” she asked. 

“Well, I can’t say I’m as good as new, but I’m fine. I just need some time to recuperate muscular mass and stuff like that. Bones says I should be good to leave the hospital in a week or two,” Jim said shrugging, “I just walked around a bit today. Actually, I was thinking we could go back upstairs now, what do you think Spock?” he added turning to look at him.

Spock nodded then said, “Yes, Captain,” always keeping his eyes on Carol. 

“Okay let’s go!” said Jim, standing a little bit faster then he should. Spock was immediately beside him, steadying him by grasping his elbow. Jim smiled sheepishly at him. 

“Thanks” then he turned to Carol, “You said you were leaving, didn’t you? Do you want us to walk you out?” he asked her smiling.

“Sure! I still walk kinda slowly but you do too, right?” she asked. Then she offered him an arm “Here. Maybe between the two of us we can manage not to take an hour to walk there,” she said winking. 

Jim laughed a bit then took the offered arm, “Yeah you’re right! Come on Mr Spock, let’s go!” he said, and they started walking. Spock wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he felt something very similar to irritation as he followed them. 

A couple of minutes later they reached the Hospital’s exit and said goodbye to Carol. Or better, Jim said “bye” while Spock glared daggers at her and nodded sharply. After that Jim and Spock turned and walked towards the elevators. When the doors closed Jim turned to look at Spock 

“You really hate her, don’t you?” he asked.

Spock raised an eyebrow, “Hatred is an emotion, Captain. And as a Vulcan, I do not have emotions. You should know that,” he said. 

Jim snorted, “Bullshit. You got all moody when she arrived and you’re still all stiff and just called me Captain,” he said rolling his eyes. Then he got a bit more serious and asked, “Is that you still don’t trust her? Because if that’s the reason, I assure you she meant well. And she's only ever been helpful.” 

Spock continued staring at the closed doors of the elevator, “It is true that in the past I did not trust Lieutenant Marcus. However, I have changed my opinion on her regards. I do not, as you say, hate her, nor have I any reason not to trust her at present. I merely treated her with the professionalism required while interacting with members of Starfleet,” he said and then started to walk out of the elevator as the doors opened. 

Jim followed him slowly, his hand now back on the Vulcan’s arm. “Okay, I get it. You don’t like her but you won’t admit it.” said Jim sighing, “I still don’t get why though. She’s nice,” he shrugged. 

Spock did not answer and just kept walking them towards Jim’s room.

***

Later that night while Spock and Jim were playing chess Jim noticed that Spock’s irritation wasn’t gone. He still held himself a bit stiffly and answered only if necessary, no small talk even if Spock had become somewhat accustomed to it. Jim honestly couldn’t understand why, but he knew better than ask this time. The awkwardness between them was thick and Jim didn’t hesitate to answer when his PADD chirped with the signal of an incoming video call.

“Sorry Spock, I gotta answer. My mom said she would call someday,” he excused himself.

He grabbed the PADD from his bed and balanced it against the chessboard, careful not to make all the pieces fall down, then he pushed the green button. 

“Spock!” he exclaimed when he saw a familiar old Vulcan on the screen.

The young Spock’s head immediately shot up “Jim?” he asked confused.

Jim just laughed and his smirk widened even more when he saw that the older Vulcan was smiling himself.

“No, not you Spock. Look,” he said, turning the PADD so that Spock could see. 

“Ah. I see. Greetings Ambassador,” said Spock stiffly lifting his hand in the Vulcan salute. 

_“Jim, Spock, it’s a pleasure to see you both,”_ said the older Spock lifting his hand as well, _“How are you, Jim?”_ he then asked, furrowing his brows a little in what Jim assumed was concern. 

“I’m good actually. It seems Khan’s blood cured me completely, I’m only suffering the effects of a 3 weeks long coma, that’s all really,” explained Jim, shrugging. 

_“Jim, you should care more about your health,”_ said old Spock. 

Jim chuckled, “That’s what Spock here says as well. You two really are the same.” 

“We are not the same person, Jim,” “Jim, we are extremely different individuals,” the two Spock said in unison, one seeming amused, the other seeming offended.  
Jim now couldn’t help but laugh soundly, “You Vulcans are hilarious, you insist you’re not but you really are,” he said wiping tears from his eyes. He then again received a similar reaction but in the form of a raised brow and he laughed some more. When he could finally speak again he looked at the older Vulcan.

“Do you think you’ll be on Earth soon? Before we’ll ship out?” Jim asked with a hint of hope staining his voice. 

_“I do not know, Jim. I am currently still occupied with the construction of the new capital on New Vulcan. If I will be able to visit Earth, you will be notified immediately,”_ said old Spock with his typical little smile.

Jim sighed, he really hoped to see the old version of his Vulcan soon, they had kept in touch regularly but he missed him nonetheless, “Okay...Well, I guess we’ll talk again soon?” he asked. 

_“Of course. Live long and prosper, Jim. Spock,”_ he said and then terminated the call.

Jim put the PADD back on his bed and then turned to continue the chess game. When he did he noticed that Spock was staring at him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked confused. 

“I was not aware that you still talked regularly with my counterpart,” said Spock raising his brows a little. 

“Oh yeah...I called him a few times after the destruction of Vulcan, to know how he was doing. But then it just became a habit, we sort of became friends,” said Jim blushing a bit. 

He would never admit in front of Spock that he had sought his counterpart’s company because he didn’t have as much of a close and easy going relationship with the Spock he loved. When he realized he was in love with Spock he started aching for his company, but it wasn’t always possible for various reasons. First of all, they were not even so close as friends. Secondly, Spock was a Vulcan and Vulcans embraced professionalism, so convincing him to spend time together off duty had taken some time. 

And last but absolutely not least, Spock and Uhura were together. So Jim had started spending a lot of time coming to the older Spock and had found out that the Vulcan was very much pleased to talk with Jim, even if it wasn’t his timeline’s version.

“I see,” said Spock straightening his back a little and shifting his position on the seat.

“I believe I should retire now, Jim. It is late,” he then added, standing. 

“Oh...okay,” said Jim regretful “Good night, Spock. See you tomorrow,” he added. 

“Good night, Jim,” said Spock, then left the room.

***

When Spock entered his quarters, he immediately set up his meditation mat, candles and incense. He required a long period of meditation that night. That day, not only had he experienced feelings, but strong ones such as distaste, jealousy and possessiveness. And the fact that he had felt this way three times towards three different people in a short span of time was even worse. He did not know exactly why, but when he saw the orderly, Carol Marcus and his counterpart act so friendly with Jim, he had felt a sense of possessiveness he had never felt before. The shields that contained his feelings were struggling and he could not allow it. So he sat on the mat folding his legs, lit up the candle and the incense, and started working on his breathing, slowly entering the meditation state.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! As always, thank you so, so much for the feedback and the nice comments! *sends lots of hugs to everyone*  
> I just wanted to let you know that this chapter is probably my favorite so far. It's a bit more angsty and it includes some references to a character's death, as well as mentions of child abuse.
> 
> I sincerely hope you'll like it! Let me know down in the comments!  
> Have a nice weekend :) <3

When Jim woke up a week and a half later and realized which day it was, he couldn’t help the sadness that overcame him. It was the anniversary of his meeting with Pike in that bar in Iowa. Jim at that time didn’t know how much he would grow to care for the admiral, but he did. When they had first met, Jim was in a bad place. He spent his days drinking, sleeping around and riding his bike anywhere that wasn’t home. Anywhere that could make him forget years of abuse, loneliness and hurt. When he met 

Pike he didn’t think he lacked a father figure, but he never had one, really. Since his father died while he was being born, he only had his mother and grandmother during most of his childhood. After his grandmother’s death, Jim’s mom thought that she couldn’t simply leave her kids alone all the time, but rather than leaving Starfleet or asking for a job planetside, she preferred marrying that douchebag also known as Frank. Jim hated him at first sight. And needless to say, he hated him even more when  
Frank had started hitting him, and Jim wished that was the only way Frank managed to scar his innocent years. 

Jim had felt so betrayed when his brother Sam had left, and that was when things began to go downhill. Before, at least, he had someone to share his sorrows with, but now he was alone in this. He cursed himself countless times for not being able to leave himself, for not having the guts. But one blessed day when Jim was 19, he came home from his part-time job he was forced to work at by Frank, to find the police at his house. Apparently Frank had drunk himself to death just outside on the porch and someone driving by had called the police. Jim hadn’t found it difficult to fake his mourning, as he was crying when he found out what had happened. They obviously weren’t tears of sadness. He had never felt so happy and relieved in his life. 

From then on, Jim spent the rest of his days until he joined Starfleet doing nothing. And he would have ruined himself had it not been for a middle-aged Starfleet Admiral who, one evening, took pity on him and saved him from a group of angry cadets, then daring him to join the academy, the best thing he did in his entire life.

Jim was staring at an article about Pike’s death dated a few weeks before when Bones entered the room. Jim just glanced at him and then sighed.

“Today it’s five years since I’ve met him, you know,” he said grimly.

Bones, who was checking the monitor near Jim’s bed, didn’t have to look at Jim’s PADD to know who was ‘him’.

“I know, Jim. I’m sorry,” he said, patting Jim’s shoulder. 

“Do you think you could clear me to leave the hospital just for a couple of hours today? I wanted to visit his grave...” asked Jim hopeful.

“Yeah, yeah. Sure I can kid.” said McCoy “There’s only a condition though. You can’t go alone.”

“Bones...” started Jim.

“No, Jim. I’m serious about this,” insisted McCoy “You never even left your room without someone, let alone going outside. What if something happened?”

“Okay...” said Jim, defeated, “Could you ask Sam if he’s free this afternoon? I’d be more comfortable with him than someone else,” he added.

McCoy frowned, “Why don’t you ask the hobgoblin instead?” he proposed.

“What? No, I can’t ask him to babysit me outside as well, Bones,” said Jim shaking his head.

“Well, he was Pike’s friend, too. Besides, I think he kinda likes babysitting you. He’s always here,” said Bones shrugging.

“All right….I’ll ask,” said Jim sighing, “But if he says no you get Sam.”

“Of course,” said McCoy “I’ve gotta go now. There’s an Andorian who’s scheduled for a C-section in half an hour, and dammit we have to basically freeze the entire operating room not to stress her body further...Gotta operate with a damn coat for God’s sake.” 

“Bye Bones. Good luck,” said Jim waving his hand lazily.

“Thanks kid, see ya.”

***

After the daily physiotherapy session in the Hospital’s gym, Jim received the all clear to go out that afternoon. He was a bit nervous by the time Spock showed up for lunch, but he had to ask or it would have been too late. They were eating, or better, Spock was eating while Jim was just moving his food around the plate, when Spock seemed to notice his distress.

“Jim? Are you well?” he asked cocking his head slightly to the side.

“Yeah...It’s just that today’s not a happy day,” said Jim sighing.

“Clarify,” said Spock placing his cutlery on the plate and looking at Jim with furrowed eyebrows.

Jim looked down at his hands sighing again, before finally looking up at Spock.

“Today’s the anniversary of the day I first met Pike,” he explained. 

“I see...” said Spock seeming thoughtful.

“Can I ask you a favor, Spock?” asked Jim.

“Of course, Jim,” Spock nodded.

“Bones said I could go out today, you know, to visit Chris’ grave. But he said I couldn’t go alone...” he paused, “I was wondering if you could accompany me?” he added hesitantly.

Spock raised an eyebrow and Jim misinterpreted it as a refusal.

“Not...not that you have to. Of course you’ll have something better to do...I’m sorry it was a stupid idea,” he mumbled, embarrassed.

“Jim,” said Spock firmly, “I am willing to accompany you. I was simply surprised at the request of my presence for such a private moment.”

Jim, tensed, breathed out a sigh of relief when Spock’s words soaked in. “Thank you, Spock. It really means a lot to me. It’s not something I really wanted to do alone or with some orderly, even if it was Sam,” he said, “I wanted the support of someone I trust,” he added, locking his blue eyes with Spock’s brown ones.

“And you have it, Jim,” said Spock, without averting his eyes, “Eat now, you need energy if you will be walking for a longer period of time than usual.”

“Okay,” said Jim, happy that Spock had accepted, and he started finishing his meal.

***

A couple of hours and busses later, Jim and Spock were walking through the gates of the cemetery where Pike was buried, along with thousands of other Starfleet officers who died in the line of duty. Jim could already feel his hand shaking but he grit his teeth and clutched the hems of his sweatshirt sleeves and continued walking. It took them less than ten minutes to find the spot where Pike’s grave was. Jim inhaled sharply and approached the grave. On the dark stone, there was a picture of Pike in his command golden shirt, probably taken a few years back, given that there were fewer wrinkles around his eyes and his hair was darker. Jim’s hands were balled into fists and he just kept breathing heavily for a few moments while looking at the smiling face of his friend in the picture. Then he gave up and collapsed on his knees. He started silently crying, his hand on the gravestone stroking the marble with his thumb and his head bowed. “I’m sorry Chris...I-I miss you...” He whispered shakily. 

He didn’t know how much time he stayed there, but his knees were hurting when a warm hand settled on his shoulder. It was a simple gesture, but from Spock it meant a lot. The hand stayed there, and Jim enjoyed the feeling of someone comforting him. When the hand was lifted, Jim made an effort to regain his composure and slowly got up, helped by the same warm hand on his arm. When he finally gave a soft pat to the gravestone as a goodbye and turned, Spock was looking at him with soft, understanding eyes.

“S'ti th'laktra,” said Spock softly.

Jim, understanding the Vulcan words, sniffed and dried his eyes with a sleeve of his sweatshirt. “Thank you...” he said, his voice hoarse. “Can we go home now?”

“Of course, Jim,” said Spock.

They headed back to the gates and to the bus stop walking close to one another and Spock, before they finally left the cemetery, placed again his hand briefly on Jim’s shoulder.

***

Once they were back in the hospital room, Jim dragged himself to his bed and flopped on it. He took his head into his hands and sighed. He thought it would have been difficult for him to finally fully acknowledge Pike’s death, but he wasn’t prepared for the emotional breakdown he ended up having. Jim knew that it was probably normal, but he simply couldn’t help but think that Chris wouldn’t want him to feel like that. He would probably want to be remembered but not have Jim mourn for him like that.  
He had always encouraged Jim not to think too much about things that can’t be fixed but instead go on. 

Thinking about Chris’s death, Jim wondered if he felt as scared and lonely as he did in the warp chamber. He wondered how Chris felt and what was he thinking about, his last thought. Thinking about this, Jim remembered if there was actually a way to know all of that.

He turned to look at Spock, who had followed him into Jim’s room and was standing beside the bed with his hands held behind his back. Jim knew it was something big to ask, but he did anyway.

“Spock...” he began “I was wondering if you could do something more for me.”

Spock arched an eyebrow in question “What exactly, Jim?” he asked.

Jim looked at his feet and started fumbling with the hem of his shirt.

“You shared your mind with Pike while he was dying, didn’t you?” he asked

Spock nodded, “I did,” he said, “I found that I could not ignore his suffering, so I shared it and tried to lighten his sorrow.”

Jim swallowed one, two times then looked again at Spock, “I know this is...personal and that you don’t do these things lightly but...” he paused, “Could you meld with me and- and share what he felt? I need to know, he meant too much to me and I want to know what he went through. I feel this could help to have some closure,” he finally asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Spock didn’t answer, he just blinked a couple of times and furrowed his brow. Jim was at a loss for words as well, because he didn’t know how to apologize if he had offended the Vulcan. But after a few long moments, Spock came closer to Jim’s bed, sat on it and placed a hand on Jim’s face in correspondence of his meld points. Jim shivered at the contact but kept staring into the warm chocolate eyes that were so close in front of him.

“My mind to your mind,” said Spock closing his eyes, and Jim did the same, _“My thoughts to your thoughts”_ Spock’s voice echoed in his head.  
Jim gasped as he was dragged into the meld. The first thing he felt was a lot of pain, but not physical, just the knowledge of being in pain. It was something he had never felt before. Straight after that, he started feeling his heart constricting in immense surprise and terror and then images started to flow before his eyes together with emotions.

_An explosion. Chaos everywhere. Furniture shattered all over the place. Phasers firing blindly at the window. Shattered pieces of glass under his aching body. Then another explosion. A blast on his chest. Pain. So much pain. Fear. Then Spock rushes towards him and drags him somewhere safe. Spock looks at him helpless. So much pain, so much fear. His eyes are slowly unfocusing. This is it. He knows. Spock places his hand on his face and feels. Even in pain he can’t help but think about what will happen to Starfleet. To Spock, and he can see the surprise on the Vulcan’s face. What will happen to Jim? Will he be okay? He hates to go, but the pain is too severe, he has no force left. He locks hazy eyes with the Vulcan, a gasp, then darkness._

Spock shivered as he re-experienced the meld he had shared with the admiral. But it is even worse now because could feel Jim’s sorrow too. He felt Jim’s mind contorting in pain. He felt the hole that’s forming in Jim’s mind. And then he felt Jim’s mind seek out for his own. Spock was startled and confused. During normal mind-melds, it is unusual to form links between the two Katras involved. Mind links between Vulcans are a private matter, something that only family members and couples share, and it is irreversible. Sometime one’s mind might try and link itself with someone’s other, but it’s not something natural. Jim’s mind attempt to link itself with Spock’s was probably only a reaction of an inexperienced mind to the pain Spock shared with Jim. So Spock withdrew. But as Spock tried to push back, he felt his own heart aching and his own, mind reaching out, and he was even more confused. So he started slowly to break the meld, as he felt that Jim couldn’t handle it for much longer as well.

When Spock was able to open his eyes again, he was shaking and breathing heavily. What had happened during the meld was the strangest thing. It was probably Jim’s mind looking for comfort. But Spock still couldn’t stop wondering what had happened.

All of his thoughts were set aside when a strange sound caught his attention. He looked up in front of him and saw that Jim was heavily sobbing, streams of tears on his cheeks.

“Jim?” called Spock, tentatively. But Jim didn’t give a sign of having heard. His head was slightly bowed and his eyes were wide open and unfocused. “James?” Spock tried again.

Again he got no answer, but after a moment Jim started sobbing even more and threw his arms around Spock’s body, situating himself against Spock with his head in the crook of Spock’s neck. 

Spock tensed, but when he felt hot tears soak into his shirt and strong arms almost bruise his skin, he encircled Jim with his own limbs and held on tight, a hand on the nape of the human’s head to keep him steady. As he did, his nose brushed Jim’s hair, and Spock breathed in the sweet scent of Jim’s shampoo, trying to concentrate and not lose control himself. Jim needed his support now. Jim seemed to relax a little with the gesture but continued crying for a few minutes.

Spock didn’t know how much time they spent like that. Even his Vulcan brain hadn’t been able to stay concentrated with everything that had happened. It was dark outside when Jim’s grip around him loosened and he felt the human’s head shift.

“Oh God, Spock...” whispered Jim in a hoarse voice, “I’m so sorry, I-”

“Do not apologize, Jim. What you have experienced was not a pleasurable memory,” Spock interrupted him.

“I know maybe I shouldn’t have asked in the first place,” continued Jim, wiping his tears away but without letting Spock go.

“Do not regret your decision, Jim. It was something you wanted, and I was willing to share it with you. You are feeling like this now, but you will be well again soon,” said  
Spock “Now I suggest you should sleep. You are clearly tired.”

“Okay...” said Jim squeezing Spock one more time before letting go and lying back on the bed.

Spock stood up and waited for Jim to pull his shoes off and get under the sheets before he said his goodbyes, “Good night, Jim.”

“Actually...Could you stay until I fall asleep?” asked Jim sheepishly.

“Of course,” said Spock, sitting back down on a chair.

“Thank you, Spock.“ said Jim smiling faintly “ ‘night”

“Good night,” said again Spock. He waited until he could tell Jim was asleep then he placed his hand on Jim’s face and projected calm into his mind. Then he stood up and left, but not before glancing back at the lying figure on the bed.


	6. Chapter 6

Despite having meditated the night before, Spock couldn’t concentrate throughout the entire morning. He had a couple of experiments to conduct in the Starfleet HQ research facilities but even if the subjects of the studies were ‘fascinating’ Spock just couldn’t focus. He couldn’t help but continue to think about Jim and the meld. After his meditation session, he had simply tried to convince himself that Jim’s mind must have been reaching out because he was suffering too much, and that there was nothing to worry about. But the more he thought about it, the more it sounded wrong. And another thing that caught his attention was the fact that after the meld his mind had felt as though it was incomplete.

After approximately the fifth time he had to redo a calculation due to his thinking about Jim, Spock decided that continuing his experiments was pointless and so he to head to the hospital instead.

When he reached Jim’s room the door was open. He looked inside and when he saw his captain standing at the end of the bed with his back to the door, Spock knocked lightly on the doorframe. At the sound, Jim turned around and Spock only then noticed that he was not wearing his hospital vest.

“Spock!” said Jim beaming, “What are you doing here so early? I thought you were busy today.”

“The experiments did not require my attention any longer for the time being,” said Spock. It was a lie but he couldn’t simply say ‘I could not concentrate on my work as I was occupied thinking about our shared meld and about you in general’.

Jim nodded, “Well, that’s nice. I would have come you but since you’re here there’s no need. I’ve been released!” he said pointing to a duffle bag with his thumb.

“I thought the doctor wanted to run more tests on your blood and continue with your physiotherapy?” questioned Spock arching a brow.

“Yeah, but he said I still can come every few days for those. He couldn’t find any other excuses to keep me here any longer,” explained Jim, picking up the bag, “Well, I’m ready. Want to come with me?” he asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Spock nodded and followed him outside the room. Once they were walking through the campus, Jim started talking with enthusiasm about how eager he was to go back to duty and see the progress engineering had made with repairs on the Enterprise. As Jim talked, Spock caught himself staring at him, realizing he had never properly observed Jim. He obviously knew his hair was blonde, but he hadn’t noticed the way light made it look almost golden. He knew Jim’s eyes were blue, but he had never acknowledged how expressive and magnetic they were. He knew Jim was aesthetically pleasing by the human standards, but he had never taken in how much. When Jim turned to him and smiled broadly while trying to convince him that they would get the five-year mission, Spock’s heart throbbed at his side. 

They walked to the building that housed both their temporary quarters and entered Jim’s rooms. Spock helped him unpack the several boxes that were lying around. For obvious reasons, Jim hadn’t had the time to unpack his belongings after the Enterprise was docked. While the whole process and through lunch, Jim continued to talk with enthusiasm, while Spock simply listened and watched him, as if he was hypnotized. 

They were reading together the reports Jim couldn’t read while he was in a coma, when Spock’s communicator chirped. Uhura asked him if he was free in an hour for a cup of tea, and he didn’t know if he was happy for some distraction from the confusing situation he was in, or if he was reluctant to leave Jim. 

Nonetheless, a little less than an hour later Spock was walking to the Café Nyota had indicated and as he arrived (five minutes early) he sat at a small table outside, enjoying the sunny day. It didn’t take long until Uhura showed up, smiling warmly at Spock. She sat gracefully on the chair and folded her arms into her lap.

“Hi Spock, thanks for coming,” she said smiling.

“It was of no consequence,” said Spock “Is there any matter you wish to discuss?”

“Oh no, I just had a free hour and wanted to catch up with you. We don’t see each other so much lately,” she said. Then she added with a wry smile, “You spend so much time with Jim...”

At that Spock stiffened, “It is true that I spend most of my free time in company of the Captain, but it was necessary as I needed to assist him with his therapy and-” He stopped himself when he heard Uhura laughing, and raised an eyebrow.

“Spock...” she said placing her hand on his forearm, “It’s okay if you spend time with him. You don’t need to apologize to anyone.”

Spock nodded and was relieved when he saw the waitress approaching to take their orders. They both ordered a spicy tea and a honey croissant. As they ate, Nyota started telling Spock about her quick trip back home and her new teaching assignment. Throughout the whole conversation, Spock was pretty much silent and distracted. Nyota, obviously, noticed and after trying to say a couple of completely nonsense things and not receiving an “illogical” or a quirked eyebrow, she sighed and snapped her fingers in front of Spock’s face.

“Spock! Hey, you in there?” 

The Vulcan startled and looked at her with a mixture of surprise and confusion, “I am sorry, Nyota. I believe my concentration capabilities have been affected by the lack of meditation the past few days,” he said, sounding as awkward as a Vulcan can sound.

“No it’s fine,” she said, “But it’s not normal for you not to meditate. You okay, Spock?”

“I am functional. I simply do not have time to do so. I am occupied in supervising various experiments at the moment, and I had to visit the Captain every day” he explained.

Nyota snorted and arched a brow, “Your shift ends at 5 pm and the Hospital’s visiting hours finish at 9 pm. And I know you pretty well, you meditate late at night. You have plenty of time to do it, Mr. Spock,” she paused then put a hand on his forearm, “What’s wrong Spock? I’ve never seen you like this.”

Spock looked down and did what was almost a sigh, “I found I am having anomalous emotional responses to the Captain’s conditions and actions,” he finally said, still not looking at his friend.

Nyota blinked a couple of times, “Wow. I didn’t think you would have ever admitted it” 

Spock’s head shot up, “Admit what, exactly?”

“That you’re in love with him,” she said smirking into her cup of tea

It was now Spock’s turn to blink repeatedly, “I did not say such thing. I am not in love with Jim,” he said, “I simply found I value his friendship more than I had previously calculated.”

Nyota shot him a knowing smile, “As you say, Spock,” she said shaking her head, “I should go now. Think about what I’ve just said. Bye” she said standing up and placing a quick kiss on his cheek. A moment later she was gone, and Spock was left sitting at the small table in a state of immense confusion.

***

The following day Spock was even more confused and distracted than he was before his conversation with Nyota. He could not be in love with Jim. It was the most illogical thing he had ever heard. He cared a great deal about him, that was for sure, and he found him handsome as well, but Spock couldn’t be in love with him. Spock had never fallen in love with someone. He had had deep feelings for Nyota and found his relationship with her quite satisfactory, but being in love was different. It was certainly not something he could be capable of. His Vulcan heritage and education were centered on the repression of all emotions and love was probably one of the most illogical emotions of all. He couldn’t even imagine how to love someone, how one would feel loving someone. Nyota must have had misunderstood his caring for Jim, for love. She would never admit it, but she was a big romantic.

Spock decided to call it a day at about lunchtime after making the third calculus mistake in 20 minutes, to the immense incredulity of two young Ensigns. He walked out the laboratory as fast as he could and went outside to get some fresh air. After a few minutes of pondering his next actions, he surrendered and flipped his communicator open.

_“Kirk here,”_ sounded Jim’s voice.

“Spock speaking, Captain.”

_“Spock! What’s up? Everything alright?”_ asked Jim.

“Yes. I wanted to ask you if you were amenable to have lunch with me. I have finished my duties for today and am not occupied, ” proposed Spock, obviously lying, but at that point he didn’t care much.

_“Uhm yeah, sure! I can’t really go outside yet, though. Can you come here?”_ asked Jim.

“Of course, Captain. I will be there shortly. Spock out.”

***

When Spock entered his Captain’s quarters, the first thing he noticed was a big vase of yellow and orange sunflowers, placed on the coffee table at the center of the room. He was curiously observing it when Jim’s voice caught his attention.

“Hey Spock!” said Jim beaming and walking towards him from the armchair he was sitting on, “Did you see those? Aren’t they pretty?” he pointed the flowers.

“I did, and they are indeed aesthetically pleasing,” said Spock.

“Yeah...Someone brought them this morning. There was also this note, here, read!” said Jim excitedly, handing Spock a small folded card.  
Inside the card there was a handwritten message: 

_‘O Captain! My Captain! Rise up and hear the bells;_  
_Rise up- for you the flag is flung- for you the bugle trills,_  
_For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths-for you the shores a-crowding,_  
_For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning ’_  
_Best wishes for a swift recovery;_  
_Your Crew._  


Spock read the note twice and felt something unpleasant growling in the back of his mind. He didn’t know why but he suddenly felt strangely protective of Jim, of his friend, his brave Captain.

“Did you read that? The whole crew sent that, Spock! Isn’t that _crazy_? I didn’t know they cared so much” said Jim smiling.

Spock tried his best not to sound and look irritated as he answered with a short, “It appears they do”

Jim didn’t seem to notice the bitterness and clapped his hands together.

“So, Lunch! Come here and sit, Mr. Spock. My replicator makes a delicious salad, I’m sure you’ll like it!” he said smirking.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I'm so, so sorry for not posting last week but I was extremely busy and really didn't have a single moment to sit at my computer; then I kind of forgot and remembered a couple of days ago so I just decided to post today.  
> I'm really, really sorry.
> 
> Anyway, after this chapter I only have one last already completed and beta-ed so I might stop posting so regularly after next week. Again, I'm extremely sorry for that but lately I have zero free time to write and when I have a few hours I'm either exhausted or completely uninspired. But I promise you I will finish this fic!
> 
> Thank you all again for the feedback on last chapter!

During the following few days, Spock’s concentration continued getting worse. His mind was always thinking about something else rather than his work and he noticed that very often the center of those thoughts was Jim. What would Jim think of this experiment? When would he and Jim be able to spar again as they used to? Will Starfleet let Jim take part in the planning of the new missions? Would Jim be available for dinner that evening?

And in addition to his distraction, Spock also found he had difficulties meditating due to a strange pull he felt in the back of his mind. It was always there throughout his day but became stronger every time he tried to reorganize his mind with meditation. It felt like his Katra was reaching out to something, but what it was, Spock did not know. Not finding a solution, Spock simply decided to ignore it as best as he could. If it got worse he would have contacted his father or counterpart.

His concentration definitely didn’t improve with more time spent with his Captain. Jim managed to constantly jump from topic to topic of the conversation, and get excited at everything he set his eyes on. Spock would have been lying to himself if he tried to admit that he was not fascinated by that, and he often found himself overwhelmed by Jim. Spock absolutely did not know how to keep up with him and yet at the same time, he did not want to. The more time that passed with Spock in Jim’s company, the more Spock learned to appreciate and admire his friend. Spock found that during Jim’s recovery he had grown even more fond of him. If before they were pretty good friends, now Spock couldn’t think of anybody else to spend his free time with. Jim had become the constant in Spock’s equation.

When Spock’s shift ended, he carefully put away his instruments and left the lab to head to Jim’s quarters. Earlier that afternoon Jim had commed him to ask if he was free at dinner time. He had said he had news.

***

When Jim left Admiral Nogura’s, a large grin that he had since then contained spread on his face. A five-year mission. He couldn’t believe that, not after what he had risked to capture Khan and the incident on Nibiru. 

Jim actually jumped his way out of the building, beaming, before he remembered that he should tell his second in command. He slipped his communicator open and called Spock.

 _“Spock here.”_

“Mr. Spock! It’s me. I’ve just had a meeting with Nogura. I’ve got big news. Dinner tonight?” asked Jim excited.

 _“I am available, Captain.”_

“All right. You might as well come a bit earlier. 0600 in my quarters. Kirk out,” Jim hung his communicator back to his belt and started walking again at a swift pace. 

He actually didn’t know what to do until his meeting with Spock so he settled to go and see Bones. He could tell him the news too. 

The Hospital was actually pretty close to the Admiralty offices but it was early and Jim wanted to enjoy the beautiful sun that was shining since that morning. So he took the longest way to the Hospital, walking through a park along the bay. At that hour many cadets were sitting on the benches or on the grass, relaxing after a long day of classes. Jim was thinking about when he and Bones had been doing the same, when he heard a voice calling him. When he turned he put a hand above his eyes to shield the sun and saw a familiar figure slowly approaching.

“Jim! I’m so pleased to see you’re better!” 

“Carol! Thanks, I was released a couple of days ago,” answered Jim, waiting for her to reach him before starting to walk again alongside her.

“Oh, I know,” she said smirking.

“Do you? How so?” asked Jim confused.

“Oh I just ran into Dr. McCoy the same day he released you. That’s why I sent you flowers,” said Carol 

Jim stopped, “You sent them? Thought they were from the whole Crew, the card told so” he said baffled.

“Of course they were from the Crew, but it was kind of my idea… I suggested it and everybody agreed,” She said smiling brightly, “We just wanted to let you know how much we admire you and support you,” she added smiling. 

Jim blinked a couple of times, “Well...I didn’t expect that…Thanks, they were really nice. I really appreciate it”

Carol smiled again. “We all care deeply for you, Jim. You’re what keeps us going, you know. We couldn’t hope for a better Captain,” she said locking her eyes with his.

Jim held her gaze for a moment, then looked back ahead and swallowed, “I...thank you. I don’t know what to say Carol...”

“Then don’t say anything, ” She said smiling, putting her right hand on his shoulder. “I’ve gotta go now. See you Jim” she added. Then she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and turned back from where she had come. 

Jim watched her walking away without being able to move for a couple of moments, simply baffled both by the revelation and her latest action. Then he shook his head and started walking again towards the Hospital.

***

 _“FIVE YEARS? Have they gone completely nuts???”_ screamed Bones nervously pacing in his office.

Jim chuckled. “Yep. Five years aboard our beautiful silver lady. We’re taking off in three weeks!” He said smirking. He was seated in McCoy’s office chair with his feet on top of the desk, slowly twisting from side to side while playing with a small stress ball. 

“Beautiful ship be damned. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence, and we’re being sent there for half a decade,” he snarled, “And get your feet off my damn paperwork,” he added pushing Jim’s boots away from a pile of PADDs.

Jim shifted in his seat to regain a vertical position, “Come on Bones, it’s not that bad. And you’re gonna see me every single day. Isn’t that your biggest dream?” he teased, grinning.

The physician’s answer was a smack the back of Jim’s neck with a murderous stare, “Well, at least you’re happy,” said the doctor, finally. “You’ll see the hobgoblin every day.” Apparently, it was Bones’ turn to joke.

“Yeah that will actually be nice.” said Jim smiling to himself.

“Speaking of… did you tell him about the mission yet?” said McCoy.

“Nope, I didn’t. He’s coming to my quarters for dinner in half an hour. I should probably go now.” said Jim after he glanced at the clock on the wall, then stood up and headed towards the door.

“Yeah. Good luck on your date, kid,” said Bones.

“It’s _not_ a date!” Jim’s head peaked back in the room from the corridor and he threw the stress ball he was still clutching in his hands, aiming at his best friend’s head.

McCoy chuckled avoiding the ball and sat at his desk to start filing the last reports of the day.

***

When Spock arrived at Jim’s quarters, he buzzed and waited for the door to open. He wouldn’t admit it but he was actually so impatient to know what the Captain had to tell him that he tried to pass through the door the moment it opened, not noticing the solid body standing in the way.

“I apologize, Captain” he said immediately, stepping away from Jim.

“Oh don’t worry about it, I shouldn't stand behind doors when they’re about to open.” said Jim blushing and scratching the back of his head, “Anyway, sit Spock. I’m gonna prepare something to drink. Tea for you?” he asked.

Spock nodded “Thank you.” 

Jim smiled and hurried away towards the small kitchen every senior officer quarter was provided with. He was still wearing his formal uniform and Spock noticed that he looked more happy than usual.

When Jim returned a few minutes later he was carrying a tray with an old-fashioned teapot on it and two cups. He set it on the small coffee table in the living room and poured Vulcan tea in each cup, adding a spoon of sugar in his and handing Spock the other one. Then he sat in the armchair beside the couch where Spock sat and started sipping his tea.

“So, Spock. Any guess of what I’m going to tell you?” he said.

Spock arched an eyebrow, “Vulcans do not ‘guess’, Captain,” he corrected him.

“Of course you don’t,” said Jim smirking, “Well, let me show you. And it’s Jim, remember.”

He sat up and went to his desk to pick a PADD. He tapped on it for a moment and then sat back in the armchair, handing it to Spock, grinning broadly. Spock quickly read the confirmation email of the orders sent by the Admiralty and then looked at Jim with a mixture of surprise and contentment.

“Did you see Spock? They gave us the five-year mission! Isn’t it awesome? I wasn’t expecting it at all after the whole mess with Khan adding to the Nibiru mess,” said Jim excitedly.

“I assure you, Jim, that this mission was well deserved. You have proved on multiple occasions to be an excellent Captain. You have my congratulations,” said Spock, pride for his friend seeping through his words.

Jim swallowed, looking down and then flickering his eyes back to Spock’s face while his cheeks flushed pink.

“Well...thank you Mr. Spock. It means a lot said by you,” And if only Spock knew how much. “But I certainly couldn’t have done it without you guys. You are an amazing crew and you’re the best First Officer I could dream of.” 

“Thank you, Captain,” said Spock. 

“Oh and speaking of these sappy things, you know who’s idea was to send the flowers and card?” said Jim after a couple of minutes of almost awkward silence. “It was Carol’s!”

Spock’s guts clenched with what he actually classified as jealousy, “Lieutenant Marcus?” he asked, even though he perfectly knew the answer.

“Yeah. I met her earlier. She told me how she wanted me to know how much the Crew admires me and stuff so she suggested to send the flowers and everybody liked her idea...and then she kissed my cheek and fled. I’m a bit confused there.” said Jim shrugging.

Spock stiffened. “That was an inexcusable breach of protocol,” he commented coldly.

Jim laughed. “Hey Spock, it’s okay. Uhura does that all the time. Carol’s a friend now. She might have a crush or something, I don’t know, but she’s harmless I promise.”

Spock nodded, but that didn’t mean he was okay with Jim’s acceptance of the Lieutenant’s behavior. He was, in fact, the exact opposite of okay. If before he did not particularly like Carol Marcus, now he was sickened by the thought of her manners towards his Captain and truly disliked her. He couldn’t, obviously, interfere with Jim’s love life, but he promised himself to do his best to avoid any other move from either the Captain or the Lieutenant. He tried to justify himself by thinking about the fraternization regulations that almost totally prohibited relationships between the chain of command, but he still felt guilty and ashamed for even feeling jealous. Jim’s life was his own. And after all, Spock was not, on the contrary of what Nyota claimed, in love with James T. Kirk. But maybe, just maybe, he could admit he was at least attracted to him. Just slightly. Spock couldn’t lie to himself about that anymore.

Fortunately, the rest of the evening passed without a mention of the Lieutenant. They ate together in Jim’s kitchen and then played a couple of games of chess. For the majority of the time, only Jim talked, starting to wonder about all the planets and new species they would encounter during their five years in uncharted space. While Jim was talking, Spock simply listened to him, again taking in every aspect of his face and memorizing every single gesture that were typical of how he expressed himself. As Spock did so, he thought about how fortunate he was to have Jim in his life. He could have lost him, but thanks to the good doctor he didn’t, and he would pass the next five years of his life in his company. He should probably thank the doctor someday.


	8. Chapter 8

The Enterprise had just started her second month into her five year mission and was now in orbit around Delphi Ardu IV. The M-class planet had once been an outpost of the extinct Tkon Empire and the Enterprise had been sent there to conduct further examination with her updated equipment. The Captain had assembled a large away party composed of himself, three security officers and seven members of the science department among them geologists, botanists and biologists. He had left the conn to Sulu and insisted that Spock should remain aboard the ship. And that was why Spock was currently seated in his quarters filing reports and reading the examinations he was receiving from the away party. He was strangely distracted, though. When Jim had ordered him to stay on the ship he had tried to protest but the Captain was unmovable. Spock knew it was illogical, but since he had started spending time with Jim during his recovery he found that he didn’t like to be separated from his Captain for long periods of time. And as if this wasn’t illogical enough, Spock was also having the sensation that something was amiss. His father would have argued that anything relating to “predicting” was impossible, and that he should meditate, but nonetheless Spock couldn’t shake off the bad feeling he had. He signed a report with a small sigh and was starting to write a new one when he was startled by his communicator chirping.

“Spock here.”

_“Spock! Medbay! Now!”_ sounded McCoy’s sharp voice.

Spock didn’t even have to ask to know why the doctor had commed him. There could be no reason other than Jim being injured. In his panic, Spock couldn't spare a thought about the fact that his ominous prediction had been correct. He didn’t even bother to answer the doctor and immediately left his quarters running to Medbay. When he got there three medical teams were hurrying around three biobeds and it didn’t take Spock more than three seconds to spot the dark messy hair of Dr. McCoy near the furthest bed. Spock crossed the room with long strides and as he reached the end of the bed he saw Jim laying boneless on it, his eyes shut, his skin almost opalescent from how pale and wet with sweat it was. Spock inhaled sharply when he noticed the two big holes in Jim’s side. His voice was almost shaking when he found the strength to address the doctor.

“What happened Doctor?”

McCoy didn’t even turn to answer him but kept tamponing one of the wounds with one hand and inserting a IV needle in Jim’s arm connected to a sack of blood with his other hand, “Pirates. It was a fucking desert planet and they found pirates. From what Ensign Sierra said they started firing before they even had the chance to hear them coming.”

“How is Jim?” Spock asked.

“How the fuck do you think he is? He lost a ton of blood before they could even be beamed back up and he lost more before he got here. If we don’t manage to stop his wounds from bleeding the transfusions won’t work and he’s gonna die. And he also hit his head on a rock when he fell. He could have brain damage. It’s critical Spock. That’s why I called.”

Spock blinked a couple of times after McCoy’s last statement and his breathing became heavier, “No,” He couldn’t lose him again. He had just gotten him back.

“I’m doing my best, Spock. Unless you can do some Vulcan voodoo I’ll ask you to move back and let me try to save him.” 

Just before he fell too far into his despair, Spock remembered that he could, in fact, do something, “I can meld with him to alleviate the pain and stop his Katra from leaving his body,” He suggested.

“I don’t know what the hell that means but if it will save him, do it,” ordered Dr. McCoy.

Spock stepped closer to Jim and placed his right hand on the Captain’s meld points. The moment their minds were joined he was flooded with pain. So much pain. Jim was, in fact, dying. Again. But as Spock swam deeper into Jim’s mind he began to experience awe. Jim’s Katra, even if it was basically slipping away from his body, was calling for Spock’s. It was like a warm light attracting a moth, or a magnet. And Spock realised that he had found his One, T’hy’la. That was why their minds were reaching for each other during their last meld, that was why his mind never felt complete again, and that was why he had felt something was wrong. He was overwhelmed with joy and hope by the news of Jim being his One, but then he realised that Jim was fading in front of him. Spock could not lose his mate. He needed him before and he needed him even more now, now that his stubbornness was gone and that he had realised that yes, Jim Kirk made him feel. Jim Kirk made him feel love. He felt love for Jim Kirk. He _loved_ him.

_“Jim.”_

_“S-Spock?”_

_“Yes Jim, it is me.”_

_“ ‘m cold.”_

_“I know. The doctor is trying to treat you. You just have to not let go.”_

_“But I’m so tired, everything feels so heavy. I just wanna sleep Spock”_

_“No. I will not allow it. I need you to stay with me, Jim. Please do not let go. You need to continue talking.”_

_“I don’t know if I can do that.”_

_“Yes, you can, Jim. Tell me again about when you decided to enlist.”_

_“Oh yeah. That day was no fun. Well, as you know I was in that bar all by myself and then I saw this gorgeous woman...”_

***

When Spock woke up, his whole body felt stiff. He slowly opened his eyes and found himself staring at his own hand entwined with another. Jim. He straightened up and noticed he had slept on a chair by Jim’s bed with his head on the mattress all night. Then he looked at Jim’s face and was relieved to notice that his cheeks were again flushed pink and that he seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Spock spent a couple of minutes just staring at Jim and slowly caressing his hand with his thumb. He had found and almost lost his T’hy’la. He was so grateful of the fact of not actually having lost him, but he was terrified all the same. He was paralysed with terror. What should he do? He obviously wanted to spent the rest of his life with Jim, that was for sure, but would Jim want the same? Spock was pretty sure he didn’t. Jim was not, as many people thought, a womanizer, but he was too restless to want a permanent relationship. And while Jim obviously cared for Spock, but he would never feel the same. And even if he did feel attraction for his First Officer, Jim would probably soon grow tired of Spock. Jim was a constant flux of energy, always wanting to experience new things, to challenge himself and explore every aspect of life; Spock was instead a creature of habit, who found peace in his routine and comfort in ordinary things. If Jim had to adapt his life according to Spock’s lifestyle, he would grow restless. Jim would never stay with him, Spock was sure about this. 

He was slowly disentangling his hand from Jim’s to leave and go meditate when the door slid open and Dr. McCoy entered the room.

“Oh good, you’re awake. I wanted to talk to you. Come,” Spock didn’t even have the time to answer because the doctor was already heading towards his office. When they entered the Medical Officer sat at his desk and gestured to the other chair, “Sit Spock.”

Spock did, holding himself up as straight as a ruler, “What is the problem, Doctor? Is Jim still in danger?” he asked.

“Oh no, no. It’s kind of the opposite in fact,” said McCoy shaking his head, “He’s fine. The wounds have been sutured and will be regenerated in a few days. He’s okay. And  
that’s partly why you’re here. I wanted to thank you, Spock. We couldn’t have saved him without you”

Spock was momentarily baffled by McCoy’s words. He had never heard the doctor thank him. Leonard McCoy was not a man who thanked people out loud. He usually showed you how grateful he was, but in his own way. And Spock was the last person expected to be thanked by McCoy, given their particular love-hate relationship, “It was of no consequence, Doctor. I had to help. It was the least I could do. Losing Jim again would have been….” _terrible, awful, unbearable, devastating._ “…difficult” 

“Yeah don’t tell me that,” said McCoy rubbing his eyes, “That brings me to the other reason you’re here. You finally realised, did you?” He straightened his posture and crossed his arms, watching Spock with piercing hazel eyes.

Spock was extremely confused, “To what are you referring, Doctor?”

McCoy exhaled and rolled his eyes dramatically, “That you love him, you imbecile!” Here we go, back to their regular exchanges. 

Spock’s heart missed a beat. How could the doctor know when he had just realised it himself? When he didn’t answer a pair of finger snapped in front of his eyes, “Oi Spock! I’m talking to you! And don’t tell me it’s not true because I saw you crying during the meld and you held onto it until you collapsed. You were sobbing, Spock. And afterwards you were doing a great impression of a robot, it was kinda freaky you know. And that’s not even the beginning, considering how you’ve been since the Khan incident. You’ve probably spent 90% of your time with him ever since.” 

Spock tried to stay calm while he answered, “I do not believe that my use of free time or affections are any of your business, Doctor,” What he received was the perfect mix of a murderous glare and a raised eyebrow, a fairly intimidating expression. Spock thought the flexibility of the doctor’s facial muscles must have been pretty extensive for him to manage making such an expression. He tried to impassively hold the doctor’s gaze for a few moment but then gave up and exhaled. He would have preferred not to tell everyone, but it was impossible to avoid McCoy’s insistence. Spock exhaled, “Doctor...When we melded I discovered that Jim and I are t’hy’lara, and I simply couldn’t ignore my….feelings anymore,” he explained, lowering his eyes in defeat.

“You’re what?” said McCoy furrowing his eyebrows.

“He is my T’hy’la. That of T'hy'lara is an ancient Vulcan bond. T'hy'la means friend, brother, lover, and might be translated as ‘soulmate’ in standard language.”

McCoy blinked a few times, “So, let me get this straight. You’re soulmates?”

Spock inclined his head, “Essentially, yes.”

“Dear God...And I thought this talk would have been easy...” muttered McCoy, “Do you plan to tell him?”

“I do not know.”

“You have to Spock. That’s some pretty deep shit.” 

“I do not know if Jim feels the same,” Spock pointed out.

“Oh believe me, you should tell him. If you don’t, you’ll never know,” Said McCoy. Then, half to himself, he muttered, “He’s gonna love this.”

“I will meditate on the matter. Now if you'll excuse me, Doctor, I have to report to the bridge in 7.8 minutes,” said Spock standing up and straightening his shirt.

“No way. You go and meditate and rest. You’re off duty ‘till tomorrow for Beta shift. I’ll call you if he wakes up.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” said Spock, and then he left Medbay.

***

Jim slowly blinked and then opened his eyes, “How come that every time I think I’m dying, I wake up to your big grumpy face floating over me?” he said with and hoarse and tired voice.

“And how come you try dying on me so often?” The Doctor grunted “You should thank God that every time Spock and I save your ass,” 

“Spock? He saved me?” 

“Yeah but it’s not like he did that alone, you know. He did some weird Vulcan mumbo jumbo but _I_ patched you up.” 

Jim grinned, “Yes I know. Thank you Bonesy. I love you,” he said, sending flying kisses.

McCoy rolled his eyes, “Yeah whatever. Stop embarrassing yourself, you’re a 27 year old man, for God’s sake.”

Jim masked his giggling with a pout, “You’re rude. Call Spock for me would you? Unlike you he’s nice.”

McCoy pushed the button of the intercom on the wall beside the door, “Sickbay to Spock”

_“What is the matter, Doctor?”_

“Sleeping Beauty here is awake. Thought you might want to know.” 

_“I will be there shortly. Spock out.”_

A couple of minutes later quick steps sounded on the cold tiles of the hallway and there was a buzz at Jim’s door.

“Come in.” 

Spock entered the room and approached the bed with a concerned expression. Jim would have lied if he told that he was not pleased to see that the Vulcan was concerned about him. He smiled and gestured for the chair, “Hey Spock, make yourself comfortable,” When his First Officer was sat down, Jim sighed, “Well, I suppose I should thank you, Spock. You saved my life once again. I’m starting to think I would be lost without you,” he said with his shining blue eyes betraying affection while he gently squeezed Spock’s forearm with a still weak hand. Spock looked at the hand on his arm and then his too human chocolate brown eyes looked into blue ones,

“You do not have to thank me, Jim. I could not lose you again,” he said with a whisper.

“Oh there’s no way I’m witnessing this again, you damned lovebirds. I’ve got work to do,” McCoy snarled throwing his hands in the air and leaving the room.

Jim ignored him and instead asked, “And how are you Spock? Bones told me you did some kind of Vulcan stuff and saved me. It must have been tiring.”

“I was fatigued for a few hours but I am now well. You do not need to worry about me Jim, it is you who almost died. Again. You need to be more careful during missions, Jim, I believe I already told you that I do not wish to lose you again.” The last words were spoken with a stiff tone, and Jim noticed Spock’s muscles under his hand had tensed.

Jim sighed and lowered his eyes, “Yeah...I know Spock, I-I’m sorry. You can join me next time, if it’ll make you feel better.” 

“I find that agreeable. Now sleep, Jim, you need rest,” said Spock

“Yeah I think I can do that,” said Jim, yawning before his eyes fluttered a few times and then closed completely.

***

When Spock left Medbay, he immediately entered the turbolift and almost crushed the command panel in attempt to press the deck number. The ride was short, but Spock couldn’t help but wish it were shorter. He just needed to be alone for awhile and be able to finally _breathe_. So it was with a certain relief and hurry that he exited the cabin as soon as the turbolift doors swished open.

As soon as he inhaled his first breath, Spock’s senses were invaded by a mixture of various sweet scents emanated by numerous of the hundreds of plants that inhabited the Enterprises brand new botanic garden. Before the Enterprise was attacked by Admiral Marcus’ ship, the botanical bay occupied only a small part of Deck 5. But as it was almost completely destroyed during the attack, Deck 5 being one of the most severely damaged, it had to be entirely reconstructed during the months on Earth.

The new garden was now occupying a third of the Deck, and was the new pride of the Enterprise. The great space was divided into several smaller areas which simulated a different climate each. The turbolift doors opened in the bigger one, the tropical forest, from which the other rooms could be entered through a system of doors and corridors.

Because the function of the botanic garden was not only to provide a scientific environment for experiments and collection of species -but also to give the crew a space where they could relax and enjoy the view- the whole ambient was equipped with changing lights and temperature to best help the plants grow, and sound system to simulate the natural noises of each environment.

Spock, who-together with Sulu- was one of the most frequent visitors, quickly walked down one of the many paths through the tropical flora, until he reached the door he was looking for. As he opened it a wave of heat hit him, and he finally sighed in relief.

The ground was dusty under his feet and he had to be careful not to be stung by the cactus’ thorns as he walked towards his favourite spot, a group of rocks surrounded by tall bushes.

Spock sat on the one he had mentally (and he would also say ‘illogically’) named ‘his meditation rock’, and he began to take big breaths to calm himself when the realization came to him. He had told Doctor McCoy-, a man with whom he shared a nice but detached professional relationship, and that when they were not fighting- that he loved Jim. Spock couldn’t help but think that Jim would describe him with the colourful human term ‘fucked’.

The thought brought a small smile to Spock’s face, but then he had to admit that he was completely, totally, utterly fucked.  
Not truly knowing what to do next, he did the first thing that came to his mind. He picked up his communicator.

_“Yes, Spock?”_

“I did not wish to disturb you, Nyota, but I have important matters to discuss. Please meet me in my quarters in 10 minutes,” said Spock, with his usual controlled tone that this time was forced.

_“Ok, I’ll be there. Are you ok?”_ Uhura’s voice was calm but Spock could sense her beginning worry.

“I do not think so. Spock out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, this was the last chapter completely finished and edited. You guys will have to forgive me if I won't be posting so often anymore, but I'll try, I swear.  
> A massive shout out goes to my beta, Hannah, who is the most patient human being on Earth, I swear! I honestly don't know how she can bear my weird writing rhythms and my ever-lasting writer's block. She is fantastic!
> 
> And, as always, thank you guys so, so much for the wonderful feedback on last week's chapter! 
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. I just found out ( dumb, dumb me) how to edit in italics on ao3! Hurray! So yes, I'll be going back and fix the previous chapters. Sorry guys but I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to editing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back with chapter 9! I'm really proud of Spock in this chapter and I really couldn't resist writing a lot of cute Spock and Nyota BFFs moments!

Spock turned the corner to the hallway that led to his quarters five minutes early, to see a fidgety Nyota already standing at his door. With a few long strides, he was at her side. When she saw him her eyes widened a bit and started scanning him for visual signs of injury or distress, all while maintaining her usual look of perfect composure. 

Once it was apparent that no physical harm had occurred to her friend, she didn’t ask if Spock was okay for a second time, and Spock didn’t say anything as well. The Vulcan just looked at her in the eyes and turned his head slightly towards the door to indicate he wanted to discuss whatever matter only once they were alone. Nyota, being an extremely perceptive woman, and having shared a relationship with the Vulcan, understood at once and simply nodded. Spock turned, typed his password into the door lock, and entered his quarters.

Spock’s rooms aboard the Enterprise were spacious, as every Senior Officer’s were. The door opened on a pretty large lounge area with a small couch and two armchairs positioned in front of a wide rectangular window that occupied almost the whole furthest wall. On the right, just a few feet from the bedroom door, stood a sleek glass desk with three chairs that also doubled as dining table. Just across the desk, there was a standard replicator in which Spock had programmed some of his home world’s specialties.

 

As the door closed behind the Lieutenant’s back, Spock turned to face her, “Please sit,” he said, not really meeting her eyes.

Nyota followed him to sit on the couch, her eyes not leaving him for a moment. When they both were sitting, she finally spoke in her calming and soothing voice.

“What is wrong Spock? You’re honestly making me worry now,” Spock turned his head and saw the deep concern that she masked before, now written all over her face. He felt a bit guilty for making her worry so much, so he took a big breath and braced himself.

“I believe I have been what you would define as ‘an idiot’,” he finally said, almost whispering.

Nyota frowned, “What do you mean Spock? Why would you be an idiot?”

Spock’s hands were clenching the material of his regulation trousers, while his gaze was fixated on the striped pattern of stars at warp out of the window.

“I have just recently come to the conclusion that I am in love with Jim,” at the revelation Nyota gasped in surprise and opened her mouth to speak, but Spock kept talking,   
“And the first person to notice and to whom I confessed my feeling was Doctor McCoy,” Spock finished, finally turning back to look at his friend, waiting for a reaction.

Needless to say, Spock was extremely surprised when, after gaping at him for a few moments, Nyota burst into a loud laugh, hands reaching for her eyes to dry off the few tears that had spilled.

Spock’s eyebrows were immediately drawn into an offended frown which would have terrified any other crew member, but Nyota shushed him, waving her pointer finger when it was evident he was about to voice his confusion.

“I-I’m sorry Spock,” she said when she caught a bit of breath, “I didn’t mean to laugh at you but I couldn’t help myself. I just imagined Leonard’s face and I just lost it,” she giggled. Then, composing herself a bit, she cleared her throat and continued, “Anyway, I am really glad you finally noticed, Spock. I sort of knew from the moment we broke up, maybe even before that. You were always sort of different with him… When did you find out anyway?”

“Yesterday, as I was trying to save his life through the meld,” Spock said, his voice breaking a little, “I found out Jim is my t’hy’la. Once I was aware of that fact, I could no longer ignore my feelings,” he finished, looking down at his hands neatly sitting on his lap.

Nyota, who was very competent in both Vulcan culture and language, understood immediately the meaning of Spock’s words. Knowing that Spock needed someone to hear him out rather than giving him a million words of advice, she just scooted to sit closer to him and, gently placing a hand on his shoulder, slowly stroked circles on his collarbone with her thumb. It was something she used to do a lot during their relationship and continued to do even now. The Vulcan was not very comfortable with other’s touch, but welcomed her simple gesture every time. It was her way of grounding him when something was wrong, her way to let him know that everything was, or would be, okay.

Spock immediately relaxed at her touch and closed his eyes, trying to reorganize his thoughts and prepare to speak again. He was not one to let people see his weaknesses, but he was glad that he had grown comfortable enough to show Nyota.

After a couple of minutes, he straightened up a little, opened his eyes and spoke again.

“Seeing him in mortal danger was the scariest moment of my life. My grief was only relieved by my knowledge of being able to save him this time. But that knowledge did not prevent me experiencing fear. Even as I discovered he is my One, I felt scared. And simultaneously, I felt joy. I had never experienced something similar. He makes me feel so deeply, Nyota. I do not know what to do,” he sighed, tensing once again. His hands were shaking lightly and his eyes were slightly shinier than usual, as tears threatened to spill.

Nyota shot him a compassionate look, then moved to gently envelope him in a hug. This was not something they often did for each other, but it wasn’t the first time that she had comforted Spock by holding him in her arms. After his planet was destroyed, Nyota was the only one able to comfort Spock. This time, her sixth sense told her that he needed this kind of comfort once more.

Spock started relaxing once more as his friend rubbed circles on his back, and eventually his arms circled Nyota as well.

When Nyota felt he was calm once more, she spoke again.

“I know it was scary to see him like that Spock, and I’m sorry you had to. And I also know that loving someone can be scary as hell, but it’s not a bad thing at all,” she paused, drew apart from him a little and smiled warmly, “You found your t’hy’la Spock! It’s amazing!”

Spock looked into her warm, kind, brown eyes and drew comfort from her joy. Her reaction had been surely more welcome than McCoy’s.

“Doctor McCoy believes I should tell Jim,” he said, remembering the physician’s earlier words, “He justifies it by saying that this is, and I quote, ‘pretty deep shit’. “

Nyota raised an eyebrow and giggled, “Well Spock, he’s not wrong… I, too, think you should tell him,” she said, “But what do _you_ think?”

“I do not believe I would be able to tell him at the moment. I am emotionally unstable and his rejection would destroy me,” Spock answered.

“Oh Spock,” Nyota sighed sadly, “You do not have to do it now. Besides, you do not know he will reject you. Actually, I believe he feels quite the same way,” she said, smirking.

Spock simply shot her a confused look and gaped at her.

“Oh, come on, everyone thinks that Spock. But if you don’t believe me I think you should still try and woo him somehow.”

“Woo him?” Spock grew even more confused.

Nyota nodded, “Yes, you should try to let him know how you feel with small actions, like flirting and touching him more?” she said, but then looked again at who she was talking with and shook her head, “Nah...that wouldn’t work with you…Love letters? Gifts?” she suggested.

Spock furrowed his eyebrows and thought about it, then remembered, “After Jim was released from Hospital he received flowers from the Crew and a note with it. Perhaps I could do the same but omitting my name,” he suggested. The idea of sending anonymous messages made him feel more comfortable.

Nyota hummed and nodded, “Yes that’s a good idea...but I’d exclude the flowers, far too difficult to find while we’re in space 90% of the time,” she suggested, “But Spock, you should also try and be a tiny tiny bit more flirty with him. Otherwise, he’ll never guess it’s you who’s sending the messages…”

Spock immediately shot her a panicked look, “I do not know what to do,” he said.

“Oh nothing extra, Spock. Just, I don’t know, compliment him more. Try to spend more time with him. Offer him support. This kind of things. At least for now,” she suggested.

Spock nodded, “I believe I could do that. Thank you, Nyota.”

She smiled, “It was no trouble Spock.”

***

When Jim woke up again, Bones was sitting at the foot of his bed, one leg resting on his opposite knee, and glaring at him.

Jim huffed, “What did I do now? Why are you always glaring at me when I wake up?”

Bones startled, looking newly at Jim, “Sorry kid, I was just thinking and zoned out,” he said, getting up and going to check on Jim’s vitals by the head of bed. As he changed the IV fluids he smirked, thinking of what would be Jim’s reaction if he knew what he was thinking about a few moments before.

It was now Jim’s turn to glare, “Why are you smirking now? What is happening Bones? Are you injecting something in me that would kill me for good?” he asked.

Bones laughed, “Oh no Jimmy, I was just imagining your expression if you knew what I know,” he said ruffling Jim’s hair.

“What do you know?” Jim asked suspiciously.

“Oh no, can’t tell, Jimmy. I promised,” said the doctor shaking his head with a smug expression.

“Booooones, come on!”

“Uh-uh. I’m not tellin’ ya. He’ll tell you when he wants to,” said Bones walking towards the door.

“He? Who’s he, Bones?” Jim yelled after him but the Doctor turned to him, made a gesture as to zip his mouth closed and then turned on his heels, leaving the room while still chuckling.

Jim lightly slammed his hand on the mattress and sighed, “Damn it, and he claims to be my best friend,” he muttered to the empty room.

***

During the following days Bones kept teasing him and giving him those I-know-something-you-don’t looks and Jim was beginning to consider marooning his CMO on the first deserted planet they flew by.

And Bones was not the only one acting strange around him. Nyota was always looking at him intently when she visited, as if she wanted to see through him, and when he asked her about it she simply smiled, patted his head and told him not to worry about it, before smoothly changing the subject of the conversation.

Spock too was acting a bit off, not really visiting him as often and mainly keeping quiet. But Jim figured he must just have been angry with him for almost dying again. When he asked Spock, though, the Vulcan stared at him in confusion and then proceeded to assure him that Vulcans ‘do not get angry, Jim’.

So Jim just resigned himself to not understanding what was going on. His only relief was that the other members of the bridge crew spent quite a lot of time with him, especially once he was released from med bay and was at least allowed to spend the rest of his recovery in his quarters. Without Bones glaring at them every time they showed up, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov felt more comfortable spending time with Jim and they set up a sort of shift schedule in order to not leave Jim alone too long. And really, Jim was so grateful to have friends like that.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr as [That Nice Kirk Boy](https://thatnicekirkboy.tumblr.com) where you can come and ask me questions if you want!


End file.
